Utah author Corey Donaldson wrote the book on marriage questions. A book, that is, titled Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! The Book of Questions for Couples (Three Rivers Press, paperback, $12.95). Now divorced, the self-help author notes the irony of his personal life (his forthcoming book, Pricked by the Divorce Proverbs, follows the thread), yet claims he's still a fan of honest conversations.
Donaldson suggests this set of questions, for men or women considering taking marriage vows, no matter how many times they have before.
- 1. If we were to eliminate the physical attraction, what would be left?
- 2. What are you not prepared to sacrifice for this relationship?
- 3. In what ways have we had to divorce a part of ourselves in order for this relationship to work?
- 4. If sex is a reflection of what the rest of our relationship is like, what does that say about our relationship?
- 5. What do you not like about me?
- 6. What issue in our relationship could cause a divorce in the future?
- 7. What warnings would your previous partners give me about you?
- 8. What reasons have previous partners had to not trust you?
- 9. What in your past have you been unwilling to share with me?
- 10. Why should we not be getting married?
Advice from the experts
In an effort to improve the quality of Utah relationships, The Tribune consulted Utah-based and national therapists to collect this "greatest hits" of free advice: "No matter who you marry, there are going to be issues, and a lot of people aren't prepared for that," says Victoria Burgess, a Salt Lake therapist who self-published The Survival Guide to Sex and Dating (Victoria Burgess, $11; call 801-359-9255).
Burgess suggests two basic questions as a tool in solving relationship conflicts.
"Ask: 'What can I get you to do to ?,' which lets your partner know you are willing to participate in problem-solving.
The other thing you ask is: 'What are your needs?' and then you listen and don't argue."
"What I would say to someone as they move onto the next relationship is it's really important to look at your behavior instead of focusing on what your previous spouse did wrong," says Scott Haltzman, a Rhode Island psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2006, $14.95), who is inviting happy wives to help him write the companion book at HappilyMarriedWomen.com.
"The trap that we fall into is that we marry and look for that other person to bring us happiness and joy, instead of the other way around, to enter marriage with the expectation and hope of bringing joy to the other person."
For people who have been divorced, whether once or more, Haltzmen recommends Barry and Emily McCarthy's Getting It Right This Time: How to Create a Loving and Lasting Marriage (Routledge, $16.95). "Don't unconsciously put a former partner's face on the new person," says Salt Lake therapist Mitzi Dunford, who advises clients they should know someone at least four seasons - "through all the major holidays, your birthday and their birthday, through dark winter nights" - before getting remarried. "Courtship is the most dishonest time," she says. "We dress up, make sure we don't have stuff in our teeth, but we need to be as real as we possibly can in the beginning stages of a relationship." "People often do repeat patterns," says Mark Owens, a therapist who has practiced in Utah for more than 20 years. "But I think the good thing is you can change, and it doesn't matter how old you are. I've worked with couples in their 60s where there has been robust change. I think my advice is: 'Don't give up. Get help.' "
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