divorce, letting go with compassion, victomology etc

LETTING GO WITH COMPASSION

An excerpt from Divorce: The Marry-Go-Round by Susan Allan

In 2001, 60% of all marriages in America ended in divorce. By the year 2005, 70% of all couples are expected to divorce. Second marriages are even less successful than the first time around. Peace isn't going to find us; we have to find peace and that is the mission of The Divorce Forum™.

Most couples never recover from their first divorce. Some have never recovered from their first date. Often the patterns are set so early that we cannot remember a time when we felt peaceful, safe and free even in our own company. Habits and addictions are one way that we cope and survive. When we socialize, our inner turmoil increases. If this is true for you, there is a way out. The 7 Stages of Divorce are the 7 Stages of Life. These 7 Stages are always a journey to enlightenment. How can we move from a broken heart to a whole-hearted relationship?

By letting go Sometimes we can't; sometimes we won't. When we know that our relationship has ended; what is it that causes us to hang on? Is it chemistry, is it hope or fear, is it destiny?

Every divorce is a hero's journey and you are the hero.

Why does our mind become our enemy, holding on after the future has packed up and gone? Sometimes, even when we are the one to leave, we hold on to a prefabricated idea of the future. What stops us from letting go? Are we
afraid of being alone? Is it the ego, unwilling to be rejected? Is it the terror of losing control of our life or is it the desire to trade up?

"Anxiety produces chemical changes that the body grows used to, and addiction to anxiety in its various manifestations is perhaps the most common of all addictions." from The Little Book of Letting Go by Hugh Prather

We may believe that we are innocent, that we are the victims. At other times, we know that we have chosen badly but that we couldn't help ourselves. In order to heal our heart and to love again we must let go; there is no other way. When we let go of the relationship, we need not let go of the love we feel. Letting go of the relationship can mean so many different ways of letting go. In divorce, we may let go and share custody of children which will mean a lifetime of interaction. After letting go of our romantic feelings for the spouse, we may find a new relationship when we become grandparents.

Letting go may also mean that we have no further communication. If we can learn to let go we can avoid the pain of separation. When we release our attachment we can avoid feeling abandoned. We may be frightened so that we imagine reuniting. We envision that all our needs and theirs will be met in the future. Even if we realize that he or she will not "shape up", we may be unwilling and unable to let go and close the door. Often, the loneliness that we feel motivates us to "save a place" for someone from the past. It may be that same loneliness that has made it difficult for us to merge with another; the reason we must let go now.

"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. …They come together and they fall part. Then they come together again and fall apart again. …The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy…Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all." From When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

It is the attachment that is our teacher. Because we feel love we need to learn to let go. Often, as soon as we let go, our spouse or our lover can feel the change and just the subtle shift in energy is enough to bring him back. It does not work if you hone this skill for salesmanship. If you are willing to let go, thinking this is the first step to reconciliation, it will not work. When you truly relinquish your version of the future; when you ground yourself in "what is" right now, the energy may be transformed.

One woman wanted her boyfriend to marry her. Although they had discussed it for years, he was not ready, he said. She let go of the relationship and began to date other men. After a time, she became interested in one man and became intimate with him. Within an hour, the phone rang and it was her ex-boyfriend, begging her to marry him.

Many years ago, I tried an experiment. I knew that my boyfriend felt pressured by my need for more emotional connection. We had a very good intellectual and sexual relationship but for me, the heart connection felt sporadic. He began to speak about breaking up with me and stood up and began to walk towards the closet. Instead of thinking about abandonment, I stayed in the moment and I forced myself to just let go. Instead of getting tense or sad or angry I took three deep breaths. He continued to walk towards the closet, a distance he would cover in four more steps. I said, "You know, I think you're right. I think that would be best for both of us. This isn't working." He stopped walking and turned towards me, with an expression of surprise. I smiled and waited for him to speak, not wishing to push at all. He turned around, walked towards me, sat down and we remained together. His needs were met for space and my needs were met for connection.

"It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusion which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication

NEEDING and WANTING

Another form of letting go is to relinquish our own set of rules and to create a new one with our spouse. This is the basis of a loving life, created by two. The challenge of having our needs met, having healthy boundaries and fulfilling the needs of our beloved requires balance. Our desire to give and receive love may be divided into the needs of Body, Mind and Spirit. As our relationships deepen, we often see that our needs are more easily met in one area than another. Our needs may have changed. Many couples experience an imbalance in sexual desire as they stay together. A partner who has been alone for a long time may have a tremendous sexual urge that has been building up. Others prefer limited sexual relations and choose to be alone for that reason. Sometimes when they meet, the difference does not seem obvious. At first, we can meet each others needs or we trade one need for another. After years, our preferences have surfaced; can we let go of them?

"The down cycle is absolutely essential for spiritual realization. You must have failed deeply on some level or experienced some deep loss or pain to be drawn to the spiritual dimension. Or perhaps your very success became empty and meaningless and so turned out to be failure. Failure lies concealed in every success, and success in every failure." from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Sometimes letting go is necessary to balance the energy between people. I had dated a man just a few times. He was tremendously desirable. As soon as I became interested, he cooled which was inconvenient. I offered him friendship instead of attachment and he accepted. By letting go, I created the space for each of us to have our needs met in a new way. If there is a true bond, then it is never about manipulation.

"We soon realize that behind all the messages we have been allowing to intimidate us are simply persons with unmet needs requesting us to contribute to their well being." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication

The lack of heart connection is the primary cause of divorce. Even if we believe that other needs are not being met, it is the connection of the heart that is absent. When we can let go of our own vision of a perfect relationship, then we may begin to create one together. The process of letting go of our fantasy is often the first step in creating a loving life. When you can see yourself with acceptance of all your own components then you can connect with another in the same way. The years that we live with non-acceptance keeps us from becoming whole and from merging with another. I tell clients that many great marriages are based on the creation of a new identity. Also, terrible marriages are based on the same principle. What is the difference? Letting go. If you are loved; if you are safe; if you are protected would you not prefer to let go?

LOVE 'EM OR LEAVE 'EM

You are sure that your heart has been broken and that you will never love again. At first, you are willing to let go because the pain is so intense. If you really love and you cannot or will not meet your spouse's needs, wouldn't you leave? If you are a life partner and it is not working, shouldn't every partnership have a buy-out clause?

When the angel visited me in 1999, after I had left my husband, it said that I was "on a rocket breaking out from my orbit".

One reason that a relationship ends is that you made the choice and then you forgot it. If you had accepted your partner's behaviors and habits, and your partner had accepted yours; you would be together. If there was great pleasure, joy and connection in your life together, you would not be reading this. You have written history but forgotten it. You may even believe the break-up was caused by sex or money problems.

"When a heart connection can be found, strategies can be designed...…. without communicating anything that implies wrongness on the part of others." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication

AGONY and RAGE

Sometimes we imagine a fresh start; a new future with our spouse because the pain of being alone is too great. We immediately forget that we are creating an imaginary life with a fantasy version of our partner since we decided the real one is unacceptable. So many of you have told me exactly why you wanted to leave long before the end. Soon the AGONY becomes overwhelming. This is also caused by our inability to let go. When we feel the AGONY, realize that it is just one of many responses to the same stimulus, one of many options we have at any moment, then we can let go. When you admit that, you have returned to the hero's journey again. When you do you are free to go or to stay, free to be alone or not.

"Violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg; The Center for Nonviolent Communications

LOVE and LUST

If we have a deep connection with each other and some of our needs are being met and some are not, it may become complicated to let go and move on. While we often hear of couples who break-up when one partner has unsatisfied sexual desires, we hear more often of couples where one can't let go of the sex. The power of our bodies is that our spirit lives within them.

One day you were overwhelmed by thoughts of him, some nights you cannot let go of visions of her. Your mind and body appear seized by enemy agents; food doesn't help, addictions are useless except to pass the time. Then, suddenly it is over. How is that possible? What caused the entrapment of your mind? Why can you let go now and not earlier?

Sometimes lust is for the tangible possessions of a spouse. Whether it's "cherchez la femme" or "follow the money"; the lust for power and possessions is different from love and requires letting go.

LOVE IS THE EVOLVING DOOR

"Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves" Pema Chodron in Starting Where You Are

We have become accustomed to justification. We justify habits that cause illness and we justify attachments that cause pain. The empathy that we feel for others is often missing towards ourselves. In divorce, when we are fearful it is more difficult and more essential that we let go.

If holding on is what we do when we are frightened, how can we train ourselves to let go instead? If you have used Lamaze breathing during childbirth then you understand the importance of letting go. If you are a downhill skier you know this, too. In tennis, golf and especially in lovemaking, magical results all require letting go. In love making if our need for orgasm becomes more urgent then our need to control the situation and we let go, we find peace. In marriage, if we misunderstand the dynamic and hold on, we may lose ourselves and lose the relationship.

What is the difference between letting go and holding on when viewed from outside? When you let go, you can never lose your soul.

If you are calm is it because you are indifferent or because you have let go? If you are worried and distracted, you are holding on but to what? Only you know what you are thinking and feeling.

Affirmations have become a useful practice for many who suffer from automatic negative conversations. The growing population for whom Prozac and similar medications are prescribed also describe their symptoms of self-doubt and self-criticism. When we decide to let go, it is not just to let go of our spouse but also to let go of all the other unworkable behaviors in our lives. In the process of learning to love, we have a perfect partner waiting at home even after our spouse has gone. To love yourself with all the compassion you have longed for; to be gentle and peaceful even in a crisis is the practice that is required. When we live with limitless patience and kindness in the face of what life brings, when we let go moment to moment we have accomplished our true goal. Peace is the goal that we have been seeking, not marriage. Sometimes it may be necessary to let go of the idea that you must remarry.

The notion that you must have or do anything in order to have a peaceful life is what stands between us and that goal. Even if you note your preferences, haven't you noticed that each of us have a list that means nothing to millions of others? I have seen thousands in the streets of Bombay who seemed more alive, who more present to life and less desperate than those walking in New York.

As long as you can let go and let go and let go, of every concept, every addiction and every rule that you have set between yourself and peace, then you have found the truth. When you let go, you reconnect to your own heart and to your soul. That is the first step to connecting to love. First you will become love and then you will express love.

Once you have united your Mind, Body and Soul, you are ready
to let go and this is the first step to love.


©Susan Allan The Divorce Forum 2002
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THE PURPOSE OF DIVORCE


By Rev. Bernard Goodman

The purpose of divorce is completion and freedom.

Completion of the lessons learned, and freedom to move on to a better life, a better you, a better everything … with more strength and more knowledge than before.

Divorce is one road to healing. It Is the next step to the rest of your life. as challenging as it may or may not be, your life is heading for a better place, because you have made the statement, the decision, that you have the courage to move on to bigger and better things, without, the need of your partner.

As in any journey, one step at a time is required to direct you to where your "next" will be.

And even if you are still connected to or in contact with your partner, you are still going it alone. Good for you.

The courage it takes to step out on your own, whether with children or without children, still says that you are strong enough, willing enough, powerful enough to do this.

So, please be aware that millions of people, before you and after you, have done and will do the same.

So, you are not alone, you are not the only one going through whatever you may be going through, and I congratulate you for taking this step.

Everybody knows the courage it takes, the wisdom it takes, the strength it takes … and you got it!

So, keep moving forward. Keep applying yourself to the future. Keep seeking the higher ground from which you can see farther than before. And keep being you … no matter what. For God made only one of you. And that's the truth.

So love yourself, give yourself hugs, acknowledge yourself for the courage, and know that you are stronger for it.

With praise and honor to you. God bless.

Bernard Goodman

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"Divorce gave me the opportunity to become a whole person . I wish I had known how to do that before I got married the first time. I discovered my own identity after my divorce because trying to define who I was as half of a partnership left me as half of a person. You're a much better parent when you're a whole person. The nuclear family works when both parents are whole people. "

Sally Franz , parenting expert The Divorce Forum


THE HEALING CIRCLE
Your first decision must be to heal yourself. You, alone, have the power to define yourself. Your second decision must be to heal the relationship whether or not you want to stay together. These are inevitably linked together.

You may decide to let the relationship go which will involve one type of healing. Or, together with your partner, you may decide to explore the relationship and work together toward mutual healing.

But first, you must make a conscious choice to walk into this Healing Circle. To enter into healing, whether for reconciliation or not, you must look in all directions as healing must come from all directions and encircle you.

The following questionnaire, developed by Frank Zizzo, PhD., offers insight into the issues involved in the process of reconciliation. These questions may be employed to discover our expectations and requirements and to listen to those of our partner. The third step in the process of healing is understanding. Even when you have been in a relationship for a very long time, your idea of your partners' needs may not be accurate. But as you work through these questions and their answers together, or with the help of a therapist, you will develop a clearer view of the areas of agreement and where the problems are most likely to arise.

This questionnaire is best utilized with a 3rd party to whom both sets of answers are given simultaneously. In this way, there is no chance that the more eager partner can change the answers to fit the needs of the other; thereby creating a reconciliation that reconciles nothing.

1. What do you want your ideal relationship to look like?

2. What are you willing to give to have this relationship?

3. What do you expect from the other person?

4. What do you think is the other person's idea of an ideal relationship?

5. What will change about you if you get the relationship you desire?

6. What will you change about you if you don't get the relationship you desire?


After you've shared and discussed this, take a moment and notice how you feel. Remember that feelings are an important way of telling yourself the truth. And the truth is the only place from which to start the healing process.


The Definition of a Healthy Relationship

A relationship is a sacred merging of two souls within or without the legal vows or matrimony. This union encompasses all aspects of physical, emotional and psychological domains.

While there may be differences of opinion and preferences there will be no more struggle than when the left and right leg go for a walk together, each part o f the same body, benefiting from the other for balance.


Susan Allan
The Divorce Forum

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POWER VERSUS CONTROL

By Helen Parsons

Power is inner directed; control is outer directed
Power looks to join with power in others; control wants to separate and establish a hierarchy
Power needs no agreement; control thrives on agreement
Power doesn't judge, compare or attack; control is sustained by these things
Power is rooted in an acceptance of what is; control is the action of illusions trying to make themselves real
Power recognizes that love assures that no one sacrifices; control demands that there be a winner and a loser
Power is universal, it looks the same in everyone; control is personal and particular

The outcome of living from power is peace; the outcome of living from control is fear

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TRANSFORMING VICTIMOLOGY

By Bernard Goodman

Victimology is the psychological (real or unreal), the emotional, and/or the physical result of a divorcé(e) who believes that he or she is a victim of the relationship.

It includes many factors, real or unreal, as the mind creates its own horror at times.

Traumatic events cause the mind to interpret and deal with them any way it sees fit in order to justify, explain, or attempt to heal or diminish or deny their existence.

Victimology is the category of responding to and then the seeking of healing, dissolving, completing, atoning, identifying, acknowledging, and ultimately recognizing the truth vs the illusion or mis-interpretation.

The desired end result is focusing on what the truth is and then doing whatever process is necessary to heal.

If one considers a courtship and/or a relationship, a marriage, and then a divorce as a journey, the completion of this journey is much more palatable.

As a journey, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Since life is filled with journeys; marriage and divorce is just one of them. It is not the end-all to everything.

Divorce is just another way of having a new beginning. A beginning that can transmit you into a better life and a higher understanding of your life.

A spiritual look at this entire journey is a higher way of looking at all the events that occurred which have brought you to where you are now.

And since now is all you have, now is where you begin the new journey of perhaps healing and moving on to the next journey, whatever that may be.

However, since you are still here, it is suggested that you are a better person, a stronger person, a more enlightened and aware person than you were perhaps before.

So in the greater scheme of things, a divorce may actually be a good thing. It is definitely more freeing than the captivity of the marriage, if this is your case.

So, being true to yourself, being more than you were before, being willing to go beyond before … this all enters your new life as a divorcé(e) and your new journey which can start right now.

And by the way, "divorcé" or "divorcée" is not a dirty word.

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The Cause of and Possible Solution to Pressure and Stress

By Rev. Bernard Goodman

In the last twenty-five years, scientists have discovered the root of disease in stress which creates a weakened immune system and many curable and incurable symptoms. As the speed of life accelerates and as our opportunities and goals expand at warp speed, it is natural for us to consider pressure and stress as an automatic component of life. But perhaps, pressure and stress are the largest illusions that we perpetrate upon ourselves.

Pressure and stress come from fear. And fear is an illusion that we create in our own mind and which is translated and transmitted to our body and to our health. So it is our own inner thinking, our own conclusion, our own choice that creates the pressure and the stress. And so it is our own inner thinking that can let go of the pressure and the stress that we have created.

By letting go we have peace. And this is one secret to life.

The truth is that for some reason, whether it is from something we saw, heard, thought, believed, bought, accepted, felt, imagined, misconstrued, or desired ... we accepted that pressure and stress have to be part of life. And this is the illusion. The mind creates pressure and an alteration of the nervous system and this altered state is called stress.

We create pressure when we live from the point of view that we don't have enough … enough of time or money or love or any other commodity. How true this is ... is questionable.

The truth is that we alone are the ones who create our thoughts. And it is what we think at any given moment that determines what we do or don't do. So, if and when any one of us feels pressure or stress, we may want to look at what is going on and then choose whether to continue the pressure and stress or to let go of whatever is causing it. Often these thoughts or decisions may be false, out of date, or inappropriate. Sometimes they may have served us before, and now are no longer necessary, valid, wanted, or needed.

We are the only ones translating our experiences into pressure and stress. And as soon as we realize that there is no one else doing this to us and that it is an illusion, we can let go of the outdated concept. When we do this, the pressure disappears.

When the mind takes over and stress is imminent use the following technique: take a deep breath, hold it, and then let it out slowly. If once is not enough; 2 or 3 times in succession may be sufficient. This will automatically slow down the internal functions such as heart beat, pulse rate, blood flow and a racing mind.
Whether the cause is real, imaginary, or illusionary, by slowing down your internal system, you slow down your action or reaction thereby allowing yourself the time and space to look at what is going on and to choose a different response.

Every time we do this we ease our entire nervous system, thus allowing ourselves the time to consider or reconsider what is going on. When you affect the external, the effect is internal; when you alter the inner you transmute the outer.

When you feel pressure and stress you may want to look at what is going on and then choose the truly appropriate response. To find peace, let go. By letting go of the thought that this is the way it has to be, you can allow yourself to feel better than you may have considered possible. And sometimes the easiest way to do this is to slow down.

Also, please be aware that not all situations afford the instant ability to do the above. You may have to wait until you have the time and place to experience the release; if that is what you choose.