Wow - if you go too heavy on carbs just drink a couple of tablespoons of vinegar!
The Positive Effect of Vinegar on Blood Sugar
By Jon Herring
Numerous studies have shown that vinegar can help lower your blood sugar, even after a high-carb meal.
In one recent example, researchers assembled a small group of subjects. One-third of them had been diagnosed with diabetes, one-third were pre-diabetic, and one-third had normal blood sugar. The subjects all drank either two tablespoons of vinegar or a placebo prior to eating a high-carb breakfast. A week later, the same subjects had the same breakfast, but with the opposite drink. The researchers measured their blood sugar and compared the results.
What they found was that all the subjects had lower levels of blood sugar when they drank the vinegar. The blood glucose levels of those who were pre-diabetic were reduced by almost 50 percent in the first hour after the meal (as compared to when they drank the placebo). Those with diabetes saw their blood sugar levels drop by 25 percent - results as good as or better than what can be expected from Metaformin, a popular diabetes drug that can induce unpleasant side effects.)
Not too interested in slurping down a couple of tablespoons of sour vinegar? Not a problem. Even dressing a side salad with vinegar and olive oil will do the trick. Researchers have found that just about any food with vinegar can produce a similar effect. In a Swedish study, for instance, pickles slowed the absorption of sugar into the bloodstream, while cucumbers did not.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The Four Agreements, book by Don Miguel Ruiz
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel RuizBy: Annette Pieper
“The Four Agreements” truly is a book of great wisdom. I believe this book to be a powerful guide for transforming our lives from a place of fears to a place of love and joy. The four agreements that he writes about are based on ancient Toltec wisdom that has been preserved in that culture for thousands of years. “The Toltec were scientists and artists who formed a society to explore and conserve the spiritual knowledge and practices of the ancient ones.” For thousands of years this knowledge has been passed down though stories and wisdom of the elders.
This book is a practical roadmap to living a rich and full life with wisdom that has been hidden from us until now, when the world is ready to listen to this wisdom.
The agreements:
are so simple in thought yet not as simple to practice. We have been conditioned in our society to do otherwise so breaking the original agreements that we have made with ourselves and adopting these four new ones takes practice. You can't just do it once; you must be diligent about this work. When we apply these principles to our lives, we move away from being victims of life. We move away from feeling abused and we stop abusing ourselves. When we stop abusing ourselves, we will stop abusing the world in which we live. We will be able to take charge and create a truly awe-some, happy, loving life and live in peace with the world around us. Don Miguel Ruiz speaks of these agreements in a masterful manner. There is nothing confusing written in his book. It is written in a straightforward, clear, and concise manner that practically anyone can understand. He gets right to the heart of matters and everything he speaks of hits home. The book guides you to look inward at the thousands of agreements that you have made with yourself that cause you to suffer. He instructs you in how to break those thousands of agreements and replace them with the four agreements he writes of. It is one of the most enlightening books that I have ever read. The first time a read it was two years ago when my marriage was falling apart and I was feeling totally victimized by life. This book assisted me in breaking old agreements and adopting new ones. It led to a great transformation in myself and in my life. By working with this book, I felt I had more control of myself instead of feeling controlled. It was great to revisit this book again. It took on a different meaning because I am in a different place in my life than I was two years ago. I think that everyone needs to read this book at least once a year. It's amazing how we can slip back into old patterns and revisiting this book brings back a sense of peace and freedom within. A remarkable book to say the least.
“The Four Agreements” truly is a book of great wisdom. I believe this book to be a powerful guide for transforming our lives from a place of fears to a place of love and joy. The four agreements that he writes about are based on ancient Toltec wisdom that has been preserved in that culture for thousands of years. “The Toltec were scientists and artists who formed a society to explore and conserve the spiritual knowledge and practices of the ancient ones.” For thousands of years this knowledge has been passed down though stories and wisdom of the elders.
This book is a practical roadmap to living a rich and full life with wisdom that has been hidden from us until now, when the world is ready to listen to this wisdom.
The agreements:
- Be impeccable with your word,
- Don't take anything personally,
- Don't make assumptions, and
- Always do your best
are so simple in thought yet not as simple to practice. We have been conditioned in our society to do otherwise so breaking the original agreements that we have made with ourselves and adopting these four new ones takes practice. You can't just do it once; you must be diligent about this work. When we apply these principles to our lives, we move away from being victims of life. We move away from feeling abused and we stop abusing ourselves. When we stop abusing ourselves, we will stop abusing the world in which we live. We will be able to take charge and create a truly awe-some, happy, loving life and live in peace with the world around us. Don Miguel Ruiz speaks of these agreements in a masterful manner. There is nothing confusing written in his book. It is written in a straightforward, clear, and concise manner that practically anyone can understand. He gets right to the heart of matters and everything he speaks of hits home. The book guides you to look inward at the thousands of agreements that you have made with yourself that cause you to suffer. He instructs you in how to break those thousands of agreements and replace them with the four agreements he writes of. It is one of the most enlightening books that I have ever read. The first time a read it was two years ago when my marriage was falling apart and I was feeling totally victimized by life. This book assisted me in breaking old agreements and adopting new ones. It led to a great transformation in myself and in my life. By working with this book, I felt I had more control of myself instead of feeling controlled. It was great to revisit this book again. It took on a different meaning because I am in a different place in my life than I was two years ago. I think that everyone needs to read this book at least once a year. It's amazing how we can slip back into old patterns and revisiting this book brings back a sense of peace and freedom within. A remarkable book to say the least.
the Nine Spiritual Insights from the Celestine Prophecy
- Becoming aware of the "coincidences" in one's life.
- Experiencing a heightened understanding of world history and human evolution.
- Becoming aware that all living things have energy fields.
- Becoming aware that people try to steal other people's energy, creating conflict.
- Realising that control dramas do not help you or others.
- Becoming aware that you have a dream and a destiny to fulfill.
- Becoming aware that many of your thoughts and actions are guided.
- Realising that other people sometimes provide the answers that you seek.
- Understanding that humankind are on a journey towards living in perfect harmony with each other and nature, as our world evolves over the next 1,000 years into an Eden-like paradise.
divorce, letting go with compassion, victomology etc
LETTING GO WITH COMPASSION
An excerpt from Divorce: The Marry-Go-Round by Susan Allan
In 2001, 60% of all marriages in America ended in divorce. By the year 2005, 70% of all couples are expected to divorce. Second marriages are even less successful than the first time around. Peace isn't going to find us; we have to find peace and that is the mission of The Divorce Forum™.
Most couples never recover from their first divorce. Some have never recovered from their first date. Often the patterns are set so early that we cannot remember a time when we felt peaceful, safe and free even in our own company. Habits and addictions are one way that we cope and survive. When we socialize, our inner turmoil increases. If this is true for you, there is a way out. The 7 Stages of Divorce are the 7 Stages of Life. These 7 Stages are always a journey to enlightenment. How can we move from a broken heart to a whole-hearted relationship?
By letting go Sometimes we can't; sometimes we won't. When we know that our relationship has ended; what is it that causes us to hang on? Is it chemistry, is it hope or fear, is it destiny?
Every divorce is a hero's journey and you are the hero.
Why does our mind become our enemy, holding on after the future has packed up and gone? Sometimes, even when we are the one to leave, we hold on to a prefabricated idea of the future. What stops us from letting go? Are we
afraid of being alone? Is it the ego, unwilling to be rejected? Is it the terror of losing control of our life or is it the desire to trade up?
"Anxiety produces chemical changes that the body grows used to, and addiction to anxiety in its various manifestations is perhaps the most common of all addictions." from The Little Book of Letting Go by Hugh Prather
We may believe that we are innocent, that we are the victims. At other times, we know that we have chosen badly but that we couldn't help ourselves. In order to heal our heart and to love again we must let go; there is no other way. When we let go of the relationship, we need not let go of the love we feel. Letting go of the relationship can mean so many different ways of letting go. In divorce, we may let go and share custody of children which will mean a lifetime of interaction. After letting go of our romantic feelings for the spouse, we may find a new relationship when we become grandparents.
Letting go may also mean that we have no further communication. If we can learn to let go we can avoid the pain of separation. When we release our attachment we can avoid feeling abandoned. We may be frightened so that we imagine reuniting. We envision that all our needs and theirs will be met in the future. Even if we realize that he or she will not "shape up", we may be unwilling and unable to let go and close the door. Often, the loneliness that we feel motivates us to "save a place" for someone from the past. It may be that same loneliness that has made it difficult for us to merge with another; the reason we must let go now.
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. …They come together and they fall part. Then they come together again and fall apart again. …The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy…Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all." From When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
It is the attachment that is our teacher. Because we feel love we need to learn to let go. Often, as soon as we let go, our spouse or our lover can feel the change and just the subtle shift in energy is enough to bring him back. It does not work if you hone this skill for salesmanship. If you are willing to let go, thinking this is the first step to reconciliation, it will not work. When you truly relinquish your version of the future; when you ground yourself in "what is" right now, the energy may be transformed.
One woman wanted her boyfriend to marry her. Although they had discussed it for years, he was not ready, he said. She let go of the relationship and began to date other men. After a time, she became interested in one man and became intimate with him. Within an hour, the phone rang and it was her ex-boyfriend, begging her to marry him.
Many years ago, I tried an experiment. I knew that my boyfriend felt pressured by my need for more emotional connection. We had a very good intellectual and sexual relationship but for me, the heart connection felt sporadic. He began to speak about breaking up with me and stood up and began to walk towards the closet. Instead of thinking about abandonment, I stayed in the moment and I forced myself to just let go. Instead of getting tense or sad or angry I took three deep breaths. He continued to walk towards the closet, a distance he would cover in four more steps. I said, "You know, I think you're right. I think that would be best for both of us. This isn't working." He stopped walking and turned towards me, with an expression of surprise. I smiled and waited for him to speak, not wishing to push at all. He turned around, walked towards me, sat down and we remained together. His needs were met for space and my needs were met for connection.
"It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusion which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication
NEEDING and WANTING
Another form of letting go is to relinquish our own set of rules and to create a new one with our spouse. This is the basis of a loving life, created by two. The challenge of having our needs met, having healthy boundaries and fulfilling the needs of our beloved requires balance. Our desire to give and receive love may be divided into the needs of Body, Mind and Spirit. As our relationships deepen, we often see that our needs are more easily met in one area than another. Our needs may have changed. Many couples experience an imbalance in sexual desire as they stay together. A partner who has been alone for a long time may have a tremendous sexual urge that has been building up. Others prefer limited sexual relations and choose to be alone for that reason. Sometimes when they meet, the difference does not seem obvious. At first, we can meet each others needs or we trade one need for another. After years, our preferences have surfaced; can we let go of them?
"The down cycle is absolutely essential for spiritual realization. You must have failed deeply on some level or experienced some deep loss or pain to be drawn to the spiritual dimension. Or perhaps your very success became empty and meaningless and so turned out to be failure. Failure lies concealed in every success, and success in every failure." from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Sometimes letting go is necessary to balance the energy between people. I had dated a man just a few times. He was tremendously desirable. As soon as I became interested, he cooled which was inconvenient. I offered him friendship instead of attachment and he accepted. By letting go, I created the space for each of us to have our needs met in a new way. If there is a true bond, then it is never about manipulation.
"We soon realize that behind all the messages we have been allowing to intimidate us are simply persons with unmet needs requesting us to contribute to their well being." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication
The lack of heart connection is the primary cause of divorce. Even if we believe that other needs are not being met, it is the connection of the heart that is absent. When we can let go of our own vision of a perfect relationship, then we may begin to create one together. The process of letting go of our fantasy is often the first step in creating a loving life. When you can see yourself with acceptance of all your own components then you can connect with another in the same way. The years that we live with non-acceptance keeps us from becoming whole and from merging with another. I tell clients that many great marriages are based on the creation of a new identity. Also, terrible marriages are based on the same principle. What is the difference? Letting go. If you are loved; if you are safe; if you are protected would you not prefer to let go?
LOVE 'EM OR LEAVE 'EM
You are sure that your heart has been broken and that you will never love again. At first, you are willing to let go because the pain is so intense. If you really love and you cannot or will not meet your spouse's needs, wouldn't you leave? If you are a life partner and it is not working, shouldn't every partnership have a buy-out clause?
When the angel visited me in 1999, after I had left my husband, it said that I was "on a rocket breaking out from my orbit".
One reason that a relationship ends is that you made the choice and then you forgot it. If you had accepted your partner's behaviors and habits, and your partner had accepted yours; you would be together. If there was great pleasure, joy and connection in your life together, you would not be reading this. You have written history but forgotten it. You may even believe the break-up was caused by sex or money problems.
"When a heart connection can be found, strategies can be designed...…. without communicating anything that implies wrongness on the part of others." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication
AGONY and RAGE
Sometimes we imagine a fresh start; a new future with our spouse because the pain of being alone is too great. We immediately forget that we are creating an imaginary life with a fantasy version of our partner since we decided the real one is unacceptable. So many of you have told me exactly why you wanted to leave long before the end. Soon the AGONY becomes overwhelming. This is also caused by our inability to let go. When we feel the AGONY, realize that it is just one of many responses to the same stimulus, one of many options we have at any moment, then we can let go. When you admit that, you have returned to the hero's journey again. When you do you are free to go or to stay, free to be alone or not.
"Violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg; The Center for Nonviolent Communications
LOVE and LUST
If we have a deep connection with each other and some of our needs are being met and some are not, it may become complicated to let go and move on. While we often hear of couples who break-up when one partner has unsatisfied sexual desires, we hear more often of couples where one can't let go of the sex. The power of our bodies is that our spirit lives within them.
One day you were overwhelmed by thoughts of him, some nights you cannot let go of visions of her. Your mind and body appear seized by enemy agents; food doesn't help, addictions are useless except to pass the time. Then, suddenly it is over. How is that possible? What caused the entrapment of your mind? Why can you let go now and not earlier?
Sometimes lust is for the tangible possessions of a spouse. Whether it's "cherchez la femme" or "follow the money"; the lust for power and possessions is different from love and requires letting go.
LOVE IS THE EVOLVING DOOR
"Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves" Pema Chodron in Starting Where You Are
We have become accustomed to justification. We justify habits that cause illness and we justify attachments that cause pain. The empathy that we feel for others is often missing towards ourselves. In divorce, when we are fearful it is more difficult and more essential that we let go.
If holding on is what we do when we are frightened, how can we train ourselves to let go instead? If you have used Lamaze breathing during childbirth then you understand the importance of letting go. If you are a downhill skier you know this, too. In tennis, golf and especially in lovemaking, magical results all require letting go. In love making if our need for orgasm becomes more urgent then our need to control the situation and we let go, we find peace. In marriage, if we misunderstand the dynamic and hold on, we may lose ourselves and lose the relationship.
What is the difference between letting go and holding on when viewed from outside? When you let go, you can never lose your soul.
If you are calm is it because you are indifferent or because you have let go? If you are worried and distracted, you are holding on but to what? Only you know what you are thinking and feeling.
Affirmations have become a useful practice for many who suffer from automatic negative conversations. The growing population for whom Prozac and similar medications are prescribed also describe their symptoms of self-doubt and self-criticism. When we decide to let go, it is not just to let go of our spouse but also to let go of all the other unworkable behaviors in our lives. In the process of learning to love, we have a perfect partner waiting at home even after our spouse has gone. To love yourself with all the compassion you have longed for; to be gentle and peaceful even in a crisis is the practice that is required. When we live with limitless patience and kindness in the face of what life brings, when we let go moment to moment we have accomplished our true goal. Peace is the goal that we have been seeking, not marriage. Sometimes it may be necessary to let go of the idea that you must remarry.
The notion that you must have or do anything in order to have a peaceful life is what stands between us and that goal. Even if you note your preferences, haven't you noticed that each of us have a list that means nothing to millions of others? I have seen thousands in the streets of Bombay who seemed more alive, who more present to life and less desperate than those walking in New York.
As long as you can let go and let go and let go, of every concept, every addiction and every rule that you have set between yourself and peace, then you have found the truth. When you let go, you reconnect to your own heart and to your soul. That is the first step to connecting to love. First you will become love and then you will express love.
Once you have united your Mind, Body and Soul, you are ready
to let go and this is the first step to love.
©Susan Allan The Divorce Forum 2002
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THE PURPOSE OF DIVORCE
By Rev. Bernard Goodman
The purpose of divorce is completion and freedom.
Completion of the lessons learned, and freedom to move on to a better life, a better you, a better everything … with more strength and more knowledge than before.
Divorce is one road to healing. It Is the next step to the rest of your life. as challenging as it may or may not be, your life is heading for a better place, because you have made the statement, the decision, that you have the courage to move on to bigger and better things, without, the need of your partner.
As in any journey, one step at a time is required to direct you to where your "next" will be.
And even if you are still connected to or in contact with your partner, you are still going it alone. Good for you.
The courage it takes to step out on your own, whether with children or without children, still says that you are strong enough, willing enough, powerful enough to do this.
So, please be aware that millions of people, before you and after you, have done and will do the same.
So, you are not alone, you are not the only one going through whatever you may be going through, and I congratulate you for taking this step.
Everybody knows the courage it takes, the wisdom it takes, the strength it takes … and you got it!
So, keep moving forward. Keep applying yourself to the future. Keep seeking the higher ground from which you can see farther than before. And keep being you … no matter what. For God made only one of you. And that's the truth.
So love yourself, give yourself hugs, acknowledge yourself for the courage, and know that you are stronger for it.
With praise and honor to you. God bless.
Bernard Goodman
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"Divorce gave me the opportunity to become a whole person . I wish I had known how to do that before I got married the first time. I discovered my own identity after my divorce because trying to define who I was as half of a partnership left me as half of a person. You're a much better parent when you're a whole person. The nuclear family works when both parents are whole people. "
Sally Franz , parenting expert The Divorce Forum
THE HEALING CIRCLE
Your first decision must be to heal yourself. You, alone, have the power to define yourself. Your second decision must be to heal the relationship whether or not you want to stay together. These are inevitably linked together.
You may decide to let the relationship go which will involve one type of healing. Or, together with your partner, you may decide to explore the relationship and work together toward mutual healing.
But first, you must make a conscious choice to walk into this Healing Circle. To enter into healing, whether for reconciliation or not, you must look in all directions as healing must come from all directions and encircle you.
The following questionnaire, developed by Frank Zizzo, PhD., offers insight into the issues involved in the process of reconciliation. These questions may be employed to discover our expectations and requirements and to listen to those of our partner. The third step in the process of healing is understanding. Even when you have been in a relationship for a very long time, your idea of your partners' needs may not be accurate. But as you work through these questions and their answers together, or with the help of a therapist, you will develop a clearer view of the areas of agreement and where the problems are most likely to arise.
This questionnaire is best utilized with a 3rd party to whom both sets of answers are given simultaneously. In this way, there is no chance that the more eager partner can change the answers to fit the needs of the other; thereby creating a reconciliation that reconciles nothing.
1. What do you want your ideal relationship to look like?
2. What are you willing to give to have this relationship?
3. What do you expect from the other person?
4. What do you think is the other person's idea of an ideal relationship?
5. What will change about you if you get the relationship you desire?
6. What will you change about you if you don't get the relationship you desire?
After you've shared and discussed this, take a moment and notice how you feel. Remember that feelings are an important way of telling yourself the truth. And the truth is the only place from which to start the healing process.
The Definition of a Healthy Relationship
A relationship is a sacred merging of two souls within or without the legal vows or matrimony. This union encompasses all aspects of physical, emotional and psychological domains.
While there may be differences of opinion and preferences there will be no more struggle than when the left and right leg go for a walk together, each part o f the same body, benefiting from the other for balance.
Susan Allan
The Divorce Forum
=======================================
POWER VERSUS CONTROL
By Helen Parsons
Power is inner directed; control is outer directed
Power looks to join with power in others; control wants to separate and establish a hierarchy
Power needs no agreement; control thrives on agreement
Power doesn't judge, compare or attack; control is sustained by these things
Power is rooted in an acceptance of what is; control is the action of illusions trying to make themselves real
Power recognizes that love assures that no one sacrifices; control demands that there be a winner and a loser
Power is universal, it looks the same in everyone; control is personal and particular
The outcome of living from power is peace; the outcome of living from control is fear
==================================================
TRANSFORMING VICTIMOLOGY
By Bernard Goodman
Victimology is the psychological (real or unreal), the emotional, and/or the physical result of a divorcé(e) who believes that he or she is a victim of the relationship.
It includes many factors, real or unreal, as the mind creates its own horror at times.
Traumatic events cause the mind to interpret and deal with them any way it sees fit in order to justify, explain, or attempt to heal or diminish or deny their existence.
Victimology is the category of responding to and then the seeking of healing, dissolving, completing, atoning, identifying, acknowledging, and ultimately recognizing the truth vs the illusion or mis-interpretation.
The desired end result is focusing on what the truth is and then doing whatever process is necessary to heal.
If one considers a courtship and/or a relationship, a marriage, and then a divorce as a journey, the completion of this journey is much more palatable.
As a journey, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Since life is filled with journeys; marriage and divorce is just one of them. It is not the end-all to everything.
Divorce is just another way of having a new beginning. A beginning that can transmit you into a better life and a higher understanding of your life.
A spiritual look at this entire journey is a higher way of looking at all the events that occurred which have brought you to where you are now.
And since now is all you have, now is where you begin the new journey of perhaps healing and moving on to the next journey, whatever that may be.
However, since you are still here, it is suggested that you are a better person, a stronger person, a more enlightened and aware person than you were perhaps before.
So in the greater scheme of things, a divorce may actually be a good thing. It is definitely more freeing than the captivity of the marriage, if this is your case.
So, being true to yourself, being more than you were before, being willing to go beyond before … this all enters your new life as a divorcé(e) and your new journey which can start right now.
And by the way, "divorcé" or "divorcée" is not a dirty word.
======================================================
The Cause of and Possible Solution to Pressure and Stress
By Rev. Bernard Goodman
In the last twenty-five years, scientists have discovered the root of disease in stress which creates a weakened immune system and many curable and incurable symptoms. As the speed of life accelerates and as our opportunities and goals expand at warp speed, it is natural for us to consider pressure and stress as an automatic component of life. But perhaps, pressure and stress are the largest illusions that we perpetrate upon ourselves.
Pressure and stress come from fear. And fear is an illusion that we create in our own mind and which is translated and transmitted to our body and to our health. So it is our own inner thinking, our own conclusion, our own choice that creates the pressure and the stress. And so it is our own inner thinking that can let go of the pressure and the stress that we have created.
By letting go we have peace. And this is one secret to life.
The truth is that for some reason, whether it is from something we saw, heard, thought, believed, bought, accepted, felt, imagined, misconstrued, or desired ... we accepted that pressure and stress have to be part of life. And this is the illusion. The mind creates pressure and an alteration of the nervous system and this altered state is called stress.
We create pressure when we live from the point of view that we don't have enough … enough of time or money or love or any other commodity. How true this is ... is questionable.
The truth is that we alone are the ones who create our thoughts. And it is what we think at any given moment that determines what we do or don't do. So, if and when any one of us feels pressure or stress, we may want to look at what is going on and then choose whether to continue the pressure and stress or to let go of whatever is causing it. Often these thoughts or decisions may be false, out of date, or inappropriate. Sometimes they may have served us before, and now are no longer necessary, valid, wanted, or needed.
We are the only ones translating our experiences into pressure and stress. And as soon as we realize that there is no one else doing this to us and that it is an illusion, we can let go of the outdated concept. When we do this, the pressure disappears.
When the mind takes over and stress is imminent use the following technique: take a deep breath, hold it, and then let it out slowly. If once is not enough; 2 or 3 times in succession may be sufficient. This will automatically slow down the internal functions such as heart beat, pulse rate, blood flow and a racing mind.
Whether the cause is real, imaginary, or illusionary, by slowing down your internal system, you slow down your action or reaction thereby allowing yourself the time and space to look at what is going on and to choose a different response.
Every time we do this we ease our entire nervous system, thus allowing ourselves the time to consider or reconsider what is going on. When you affect the external, the effect is internal; when you alter the inner you transmute the outer.
When you feel pressure and stress you may want to look at what is going on and then choose the truly appropriate response. To find peace, let go. By letting go of the thought that this is the way it has to be, you can allow yourself to feel better than you may have considered possible. And sometimes the easiest way to do this is to slow down.
Also, please be aware that not all situations afford the instant ability to do the above. You may have to wait until you have the time and place to experience the release; if that is what you choose.
An excerpt from Divorce: The Marry-Go-Round by Susan Allan
In 2001, 60% of all marriages in America ended in divorce. By the year 2005, 70% of all couples are expected to divorce. Second marriages are even less successful than the first time around. Peace isn't going to find us; we have to find peace and that is the mission of The Divorce Forum™.
Most couples never recover from their first divorce. Some have never recovered from their first date. Often the patterns are set so early that we cannot remember a time when we felt peaceful, safe and free even in our own company. Habits and addictions are one way that we cope and survive. When we socialize, our inner turmoil increases. If this is true for you, there is a way out. The 7 Stages of Divorce are the 7 Stages of Life. These 7 Stages are always a journey to enlightenment. How can we move from a broken heart to a whole-hearted relationship?
By letting go Sometimes we can't; sometimes we won't. When we know that our relationship has ended; what is it that causes us to hang on? Is it chemistry, is it hope or fear, is it destiny?
Every divorce is a hero's journey and you are the hero.
Why does our mind become our enemy, holding on after the future has packed up and gone? Sometimes, even when we are the one to leave, we hold on to a prefabricated idea of the future. What stops us from letting go? Are we
afraid of being alone? Is it the ego, unwilling to be rejected? Is it the terror of losing control of our life or is it the desire to trade up?
"Anxiety produces chemical changes that the body grows used to, and addiction to anxiety in its various manifestations is perhaps the most common of all addictions." from The Little Book of Letting Go by Hugh Prather
We may believe that we are innocent, that we are the victims. At other times, we know that we have chosen badly but that we couldn't help ourselves. In order to heal our heart and to love again we must let go; there is no other way. When we let go of the relationship, we need not let go of the love we feel. Letting go of the relationship can mean so many different ways of letting go. In divorce, we may let go and share custody of children which will mean a lifetime of interaction. After letting go of our romantic feelings for the spouse, we may find a new relationship when we become grandparents.
Letting go may also mean that we have no further communication. If we can learn to let go we can avoid the pain of separation. When we release our attachment we can avoid feeling abandoned. We may be frightened so that we imagine reuniting. We envision that all our needs and theirs will be met in the future. Even if we realize that he or she will not "shape up", we may be unwilling and unable to let go and close the door. Often, the loneliness that we feel motivates us to "save a place" for someone from the past. It may be that same loneliness that has made it difficult for us to merge with another; the reason we must let go now.
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. …They come together and they fall part. Then they come together again and fall apart again. …The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy…Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all." From When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
It is the attachment that is our teacher. Because we feel love we need to learn to let go. Often, as soon as we let go, our spouse or our lover can feel the change and just the subtle shift in energy is enough to bring him back. It does not work if you hone this skill for salesmanship. If you are willing to let go, thinking this is the first step to reconciliation, it will not work. When you truly relinquish your version of the future; when you ground yourself in "what is" right now, the energy may be transformed.
One woman wanted her boyfriend to marry her. Although they had discussed it for years, he was not ready, he said. She let go of the relationship and began to date other men. After a time, she became interested in one man and became intimate with him. Within an hour, the phone rang and it was her ex-boyfriend, begging her to marry him.
Many years ago, I tried an experiment. I knew that my boyfriend felt pressured by my need for more emotional connection. We had a very good intellectual and sexual relationship but for me, the heart connection felt sporadic. He began to speak about breaking up with me and stood up and began to walk towards the closet. Instead of thinking about abandonment, I stayed in the moment and I forced myself to just let go. Instead of getting tense or sad or angry I took three deep breaths. He continued to walk towards the closet, a distance he would cover in four more steps. I said, "You know, I think you're right. I think that would be best for both of us. This isn't working." He stopped walking and turned towards me, with an expression of surprise. I smiled and waited for him to speak, not wishing to push at all. He turned around, walked towards me, sat down and we remained together. His needs were met for space and my needs were met for connection.
"It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusion which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication
NEEDING and WANTING
Another form of letting go is to relinquish our own set of rules and to create a new one with our spouse. This is the basis of a loving life, created by two. The challenge of having our needs met, having healthy boundaries and fulfilling the needs of our beloved requires balance. Our desire to give and receive love may be divided into the needs of Body, Mind and Spirit. As our relationships deepen, we often see that our needs are more easily met in one area than another. Our needs may have changed. Many couples experience an imbalance in sexual desire as they stay together. A partner who has been alone for a long time may have a tremendous sexual urge that has been building up. Others prefer limited sexual relations and choose to be alone for that reason. Sometimes when they meet, the difference does not seem obvious. At first, we can meet each others needs or we trade one need for another. After years, our preferences have surfaced; can we let go of them?
"The down cycle is absolutely essential for spiritual realization. You must have failed deeply on some level or experienced some deep loss or pain to be drawn to the spiritual dimension. Or perhaps your very success became empty and meaningless and so turned out to be failure. Failure lies concealed in every success, and success in every failure." from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Sometimes letting go is necessary to balance the energy between people. I had dated a man just a few times. He was tremendously desirable. As soon as I became interested, he cooled which was inconvenient. I offered him friendship instead of attachment and he accepted. By letting go, I created the space for each of us to have our needs met in a new way. If there is a true bond, then it is never about manipulation.
"We soon realize that behind all the messages we have been allowing to intimidate us are simply persons with unmet needs requesting us to contribute to their well being." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication
The lack of heart connection is the primary cause of divorce. Even if we believe that other needs are not being met, it is the connection of the heart that is absent. When we can let go of our own vision of a perfect relationship, then we may begin to create one together. The process of letting go of our fantasy is often the first step in creating a loving life. When you can see yourself with acceptance of all your own components then you can connect with another in the same way. The years that we live with non-acceptance keeps us from becoming whole and from merging with another. I tell clients that many great marriages are based on the creation of a new identity. Also, terrible marriages are based on the same principle. What is the difference? Letting go. If you are loved; if you are safe; if you are protected would you not prefer to let go?
LOVE 'EM OR LEAVE 'EM
You are sure that your heart has been broken and that you will never love again. At first, you are willing to let go because the pain is so intense. If you really love and you cannot or will not meet your spouse's needs, wouldn't you leave? If you are a life partner and it is not working, shouldn't every partnership have a buy-out clause?
When the angel visited me in 1999, after I had left my husband, it said that I was "on a rocket breaking out from my orbit".
One reason that a relationship ends is that you made the choice and then you forgot it. If you had accepted your partner's behaviors and habits, and your partner had accepted yours; you would be together. If there was great pleasure, joy and connection in your life together, you would not be reading this. You have written history but forgotten it. You may even believe the break-up was caused by sex or money problems.
"When a heart connection can be found, strategies can be designed...…. without communicating anything that implies wrongness on the part of others." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg from A Model for Nonviolent Communication
AGONY and RAGE
Sometimes we imagine a fresh start; a new future with our spouse because the pain of being alone is too great. We immediately forget that we are creating an imaginary life with a fantasy version of our partner since we decided the real one is unacceptable. So many of you have told me exactly why you wanted to leave long before the end. Soon the AGONY becomes overwhelming. This is also caused by our inability to let go. When we feel the AGONY, realize that it is just one of many responses to the same stimulus, one of many options we have at any moment, then we can let go. When you admit that, you have returned to the hero's journey again. When you do you are free to go or to stay, free to be alone or not.
"Violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg; The Center for Nonviolent Communications
LOVE and LUST
If we have a deep connection with each other and some of our needs are being met and some are not, it may become complicated to let go and move on. While we often hear of couples who break-up when one partner has unsatisfied sexual desires, we hear more often of couples where one can't let go of the sex. The power of our bodies is that our spirit lives within them.
One day you were overwhelmed by thoughts of him, some nights you cannot let go of visions of her. Your mind and body appear seized by enemy agents; food doesn't help, addictions are useless except to pass the time. Then, suddenly it is over. How is that possible? What caused the entrapment of your mind? Why can you let go now and not earlier?
Sometimes lust is for the tangible possessions of a spouse. Whether it's "cherchez la femme" or "follow the money"; the lust for power and possessions is different from love and requires letting go.
LOVE IS THE EVOLVING DOOR
"Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves" Pema Chodron in Starting Where You Are
We have become accustomed to justification. We justify habits that cause illness and we justify attachments that cause pain. The empathy that we feel for others is often missing towards ourselves. In divorce, when we are fearful it is more difficult and more essential that we let go.
If holding on is what we do when we are frightened, how can we train ourselves to let go instead? If you have used Lamaze breathing during childbirth then you understand the importance of letting go. If you are a downhill skier you know this, too. In tennis, golf and especially in lovemaking, magical results all require letting go. In love making if our need for orgasm becomes more urgent then our need to control the situation and we let go, we find peace. In marriage, if we misunderstand the dynamic and hold on, we may lose ourselves and lose the relationship.
What is the difference between letting go and holding on when viewed from outside? When you let go, you can never lose your soul.
If you are calm is it because you are indifferent or because you have let go? If you are worried and distracted, you are holding on but to what? Only you know what you are thinking and feeling.
Affirmations have become a useful practice for many who suffer from automatic negative conversations. The growing population for whom Prozac and similar medications are prescribed also describe their symptoms of self-doubt and self-criticism. When we decide to let go, it is not just to let go of our spouse but also to let go of all the other unworkable behaviors in our lives. In the process of learning to love, we have a perfect partner waiting at home even after our spouse has gone. To love yourself with all the compassion you have longed for; to be gentle and peaceful even in a crisis is the practice that is required. When we live with limitless patience and kindness in the face of what life brings, when we let go moment to moment we have accomplished our true goal. Peace is the goal that we have been seeking, not marriage. Sometimes it may be necessary to let go of the idea that you must remarry.
The notion that you must have or do anything in order to have a peaceful life is what stands between us and that goal. Even if you note your preferences, haven't you noticed that each of us have a list that means nothing to millions of others? I have seen thousands in the streets of Bombay who seemed more alive, who more present to life and less desperate than those walking in New York.
As long as you can let go and let go and let go, of every concept, every addiction and every rule that you have set between yourself and peace, then you have found the truth. When you let go, you reconnect to your own heart and to your soul. That is the first step to connecting to love. First you will become love and then you will express love.
Once you have united your Mind, Body and Soul, you are ready
to let go and this is the first step to love.
©Susan Allan The Divorce Forum 2002
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THE PURPOSE OF DIVORCE
By Rev. Bernard Goodman
The purpose of divorce is completion and freedom.
Completion of the lessons learned, and freedom to move on to a better life, a better you, a better everything … with more strength and more knowledge than before.
Divorce is one road to healing. It Is the next step to the rest of your life. as challenging as it may or may not be, your life is heading for a better place, because you have made the statement, the decision, that you have the courage to move on to bigger and better things, without, the need of your partner.
As in any journey, one step at a time is required to direct you to where your "next" will be.
And even if you are still connected to or in contact with your partner, you are still going it alone. Good for you.
The courage it takes to step out on your own, whether with children or without children, still says that you are strong enough, willing enough, powerful enough to do this.
So, please be aware that millions of people, before you and after you, have done and will do the same.
So, you are not alone, you are not the only one going through whatever you may be going through, and I congratulate you for taking this step.
Everybody knows the courage it takes, the wisdom it takes, the strength it takes … and you got it!
So, keep moving forward. Keep applying yourself to the future. Keep seeking the higher ground from which you can see farther than before. And keep being you … no matter what. For God made only one of you. And that's the truth.
So love yourself, give yourself hugs, acknowledge yourself for the courage, and know that you are stronger for it.
With praise and honor to you. God bless.
Bernard Goodman
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"Divorce gave me the opportunity to become a whole person . I wish I had known how to do that before I got married the first time. I discovered my own identity after my divorce because trying to define who I was as half of a partnership left me as half of a person. You're a much better parent when you're a whole person. The nuclear family works when both parents are whole people. "
Sally Franz , parenting expert The Divorce Forum
THE HEALING CIRCLE
Your first decision must be to heal yourself. You, alone, have the power to define yourself. Your second decision must be to heal the relationship whether or not you want to stay together. These are inevitably linked together.
You may decide to let the relationship go which will involve one type of healing. Or, together with your partner, you may decide to explore the relationship and work together toward mutual healing.
But first, you must make a conscious choice to walk into this Healing Circle. To enter into healing, whether for reconciliation or not, you must look in all directions as healing must come from all directions and encircle you.
The following questionnaire, developed by Frank Zizzo, PhD., offers insight into the issues involved in the process of reconciliation. These questions may be employed to discover our expectations and requirements and to listen to those of our partner. The third step in the process of healing is understanding. Even when you have been in a relationship for a very long time, your idea of your partners' needs may not be accurate. But as you work through these questions and their answers together, or with the help of a therapist, you will develop a clearer view of the areas of agreement and where the problems are most likely to arise.
This questionnaire is best utilized with a 3rd party to whom both sets of answers are given simultaneously. In this way, there is no chance that the more eager partner can change the answers to fit the needs of the other; thereby creating a reconciliation that reconciles nothing.
1. What do you want your ideal relationship to look like?
2. What are you willing to give to have this relationship?
3. What do you expect from the other person?
4. What do you think is the other person's idea of an ideal relationship?
5. What will change about you if you get the relationship you desire?
6. What will you change about you if you don't get the relationship you desire?
After you've shared and discussed this, take a moment and notice how you feel. Remember that feelings are an important way of telling yourself the truth. And the truth is the only place from which to start the healing process.
The Definition of a Healthy Relationship
A relationship is a sacred merging of two souls within or without the legal vows or matrimony. This union encompasses all aspects of physical, emotional and psychological domains.
While there may be differences of opinion and preferences there will be no more struggle than when the left and right leg go for a walk together, each part o f the same body, benefiting from the other for balance.
Susan Allan
The Divorce Forum
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POWER VERSUS CONTROL
By Helen Parsons
Power is inner directed; control is outer directed
Power looks to join with power in others; control wants to separate and establish a hierarchy
Power needs no agreement; control thrives on agreement
Power doesn't judge, compare or attack; control is sustained by these things
Power is rooted in an acceptance of what is; control is the action of illusions trying to make themselves real
Power recognizes that love assures that no one sacrifices; control demands that there be a winner and a loser
Power is universal, it looks the same in everyone; control is personal and particular
The outcome of living from power is peace; the outcome of living from control is fear
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TRANSFORMING VICTIMOLOGY
By Bernard Goodman
Victimology is the psychological (real or unreal), the emotional, and/or the physical result of a divorcé(e) who believes that he or she is a victim of the relationship.
It includes many factors, real or unreal, as the mind creates its own horror at times.
Traumatic events cause the mind to interpret and deal with them any way it sees fit in order to justify, explain, or attempt to heal or diminish or deny their existence.
Victimology is the category of responding to and then the seeking of healing, dissolving, completing, atoning, identifying, acknowledging, and ultimately recognizing the truth vs the illusion or mis-interpretation.
The desired end result is focusing on what the truth is and then doing whatever process is necessary to heal.
If one considers a courtship and/or a relationship, a marriage, and then a divorce as a journey, the completion of this journey is much more palatable.
As a journey, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Since life is filled with journeys; marriage and divorce is just one of them. It is not the end-all to everything.
Divorce is just another way of having a new beginning. A beginning that can transmit you into a better life and a higher understanding of your life.
A spiritual look at this entire journey is a higher way of looking at all the events that occurred which have brought you to where you are now.
And since now is all you have, now is where you begin the new journey of perhaps healing and moving on to the next journey, whatever that may be.
However, since you are still here, it is suggested that you are a better person, a stronger person, a more enlightened and aware person than you were perhaps before.
So in the greater scheme of things, a divorce may actually be a good thing. It is definitely more freeing than the captivity of the marriage, if this is your case.
So, being true to yourself, being more than you were before, being willing to go beyond before … this all enters your new life as a divorcé(e) and your new journey which can start right now.
And by the way, "divorcé" or "divorcée" is not a dirty word.
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The Cause of and Possible Solution to Pressure and Stress
By Rev. Bernard Goodman
In the last twenty-five years, scientists have discovered the root of disease in stress which creates a weakened immune system and many curable and incurable symptoms. As the speed of life accelerates and as our opportunities and goals expand at warp speed, it is natural for us to consider pressure and stress as an automatic component of life. But perhaps, pressure and stress are the largest illusions that we perpetrate upon ourselves.
Pressure and stress come from fear. And fear is an illusion that we create in our own mind and which is translated and transmitted to our body and to our health. So it is our own inner thinking, our own conclusion, our own choice that creates the pressure and the stress. And so it is our own inner thinking that can let go of the pressure and the stress that we have created.
By letting go we have peace. And this is one secret to life.
The truth is that for some reason, whether it is from something we saw, heard, thought, believed, bought, accepted, felt, imagined, misconstrued, or desired ... we accepted that pressure and stress have to be part of life. And this is the illusion. The mind creates pressure and an alteration of the nervous system and this altered state is called stress.
We create pressure when we live from the point of view that we don't have enough … enough of time or money or love or any other commodity. How true this is ... is questionable.
The truth is that we alone are the ones who create our thoughts. And it is what we think at any given moment that determines what we do or don't do. So, if and when any one of us feels pressure or stress, we may want to look at what is going on and then choose whether to continue the pressure and stress or to let go of whatever is causing it. Often these thoughts or decisions may be false, out of date, or inappropriate. Sometimes they may have served us before, and now are no longer necessary, valid, wanted, or needed.
We are the only ones translating our experiences into pressure and stress. And as soon as we realize that there is no one else doing this to us and that it is an illusion, we can let go of the outdated concept. When we do this, the pressure disappears.
When the mind takes over and stress is imminent use the following technique: take a deep breath, hold it, and then let it out slowly. If once is not enough; 2 or 3 times in succession may be sufficient. This will automatically slow down the internal functions such as heart beat, pulse rate, blood flow and a racing mind.
Whether the cause is real, imaginary, or illusionary, by slowing down your internal system, you slow down your action or reaction thereby allowing yourself the time and space to look at what is going on and to choose a different response.
Every time we do this we ease our entire nervous system, thus allowing ourselves the time to consider or reconsider what is going on. When you affect the external, the effect is internal; when you alter the inner you transmute the outer.
When you feel pressure and stress you may want to look at what is going on and then choose the truly appropriate response. To find peace, let go. By letting go of the thought that this is the way it has to be, you can allow yourself to feel better than you may have considered possible. And sometimes the easiest way to do this is to slow down.
Also, please be aware that not all situations afford the instant ability to do the above. You may have to wait until you have the time and place to experience the release; if that is what you choose.
Hunter Gatherers Dietary Needs! great logic on ideal human diet
LEan game, low carbs diet - good logicA Diet Solution Based on Evolution
By Loren Cordain, Ph.D.
The scientific community almost unanimously agrees that the diseases and disorders that plague Western civilization - obesity, cardiovascular disease, and Type II diabetes - are related to our diets ... and that they are avoidable. But nutritional experts are in complete disagreement over which type of diet is best for prevention and treatment.
Obviously, the highly processed foods that now dominate the American diet weren't part of the Paleolithic (Old Stone Age) meal plan. Hunter-gatherers probably wouldn't have recognized pizza, chips, French fries, ice cream, soda, and the like as food at all.
Stone-Agers Living in the Space Age
Although we live in a world of vast cities and complex technologies, each of us has a Stone Age genetic makeup. DNA studies from diverse ethnic groups around the world confirm that the present-day human genome is virtually identical to that of humans living 40,000 years ago.
Beginning some 10,000 years ago, people left behind the hunting and gathering way of life and began to sow and harvest the genetic forerunners of today's wheat and barley. Shortly thereafter, these early farmers domesticated farm animals. Five thousand years later, the so-called Agricultural Revolution had spread from the Middle East to Northern Europe and beyond.
But there has been very little time, evolutionarily speaking, for our bodies to adapt to this new way of eating. Although 10,000 years sounds historically remote, it is evolutionarily quite recent. Only 500 human generations have come and gone since agriculture began.
Lean game and fish were their staple foods. Consequently, the Paleolithic diet was much higher in protein than the typical U.S. diet. Because game is so lean on a calorie-by-calorie basis, it contains about 2.5 times as much protein per serving as domestic meats. For instance, a 100-calorie serving of America's favorite meat - hamburger - contains a paltry 7.8 grams of protein. Compare that with 19.9 grams in an identical 100-calorie serving of roasted buffalo. Game is also healthier. It contains two to three times more cholesterol-lowering polyunsaturated fats and almost five times more omega-3 fatty acids than meat from grain-fed domestic livestock.
The carbohydrate content in the average hunter-gatherer diet was extremely low. More important, it was made up almost entirely of wild fruits and vegetables. Their total fat content was similar to or slightly higher than current U.S. figures, and consisted of healthful, cholesterol-lowering monounsaturated fats, which comprised about 50 percent of total fats consumed. In contrast, the typical U.S. diet has less cholesterol-lowering mono- and polyunsaturated fats, more artery-clogging saturated fats and trans-fats, and seven to 10 times less heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids than in hunter-gatherer diets.
The key to the optimal human diet lies in the evolutionary wisdom of our hunter-gatherer past. The best high-protein options are fish (particularly fatty northern fish such as salmon, halibut, mackerel, and herring), shellfish, grass-fed beef and pork, free-range chicken and turkey, rabbit, and any kind of game, either bought or hunted. (The gastronomically adventurous can find buffalo, ostrich, emu, kangaroo, and venison at many upscale supermarkets and health food stores.)
Putting It All Together
The Paleo Diet is the unique diet to which our species is genetically adapted. This program of eating was not designed by diet doctors, faddists, or nutritionists, but by evolution and natural selection. It is based upon extensive scientific research examining the types and quantities of foods our hunter-gatherer ancestors ate.
With readily available modern foods, the Paleo Diet mimics the types of foods every single person on the planet ate prior to the Agricultural Revolution (a mere 500 generations ago). These foods (fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats and seafood) are high in the beneficial nutrients (soluble fiber, antioxidant vitamins, phytochemicals, omega-3 and monounsaturated fats, and low-glycemic carbohydrates) that promote good health. And they are low in the nutrients (refined sugars and grains, saturated and trans-fats, salt, and high-glycemic carbohydrates) that frequently cause weight gain, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and numerous other health problems.
You might consider it heretical to believe that lean meat is healthful while whole grains and dairy products are not necessarily so. But the basis for this conclusion comes from overwhelming evolutionary evidence that is increasingly being substantiated by human, animal, and tissue studies.
We all remain hunter-gatherers, displaced in time, yet still genetically adapted to a diet dominated by lean meats and fresh fruits and veggies.
By Loren Cordain, Ph.D.
The scientific community almost unanimously agrees that the diseases and disorders that plague Western civilization - obesity, cardiovascular disease, and Type II diabetes - are related to our diets ... and that they are avoidable. But nutritional experts are in complete disagreement over which type of diet is best for prevention and treatment.
Obviously, the highly processed foods that now dominate the American diet weren't part of the Paleolithic (Old Stone Age) meal plan. Hunter-gatherers probably wouldn't have recognized pizza, chips, French fries, ice cream, soda, and the like as food at all.
Stone-Agers Living in the Space Age
Although we live in a world of vast cities and complex technologies, each of us has a Stone Age genetic makeup. DNA studies from diverse ethnic groups around the world confirm that the present-day human genome is virtually identical to that of humans living 40,000 years ago.
Beginning some 10,000 years ago, people left behind the hunting and gathering way of life and began to sow and harvest the genetic forerunners of today's wheat and barley. Shortly thereafter, these early farmers domesticated farm animals. Five thousand years later, the so-called Agricultural Revolution had spread from the Middle East to Northern Europe and beyond.
But there has been very little time, evolutionarily speaking, for our bodies to adapt to this new way of eating. Although 10,000 years sounds historically remote, it is evolutionarily quite recent. Only 500 human generations have come and gone since agriculture began.
Lean game and fish were their staple foods. Consequently, the Paleolithic diet was much higher in protein than the typical U.S. diet. Because game is so lean on a calorie-by-calorie basis, it contains about 2.5 times as much protein per serving as domestic meats. For instance, a 100-calorie serving of America's favorite meat - hamburger - contains a paltry 7.8 grams of protein. Compare that with 19.9 grams in an identical 100-calorie serving of roasted buffalo. Game is also healthier. It contains two to three times more cholesterol-lowering polyunsaturated fats and almost five times more omega-3 fatty acids than meat from grain-fed domestic livestock.
The carbohydrate content in the average hunter-gatherer diet was extremely low. More important, it was made up almost entirely of wild fruits and vegetables. Their total fat content was similar to or slightly higher than current U.S. figures, and consisted of healthful, cholesterol-lowering monounsaturated fats, which comprised about 50 percent of total fats consumed. In contrast, the typical U.S. diet has less cholesterol-lowering mono- and polyunsaturated fats, more artery-clogging saturated fats and trans-fats, and seven to 10 times less heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids than in hunter-gatherer diets.
The key to the optimal human diet lies in the evolutionary wisdom of our hunter-gatherer past. The best high-protein options are fish (particularly fatty northern fish such as salmon, halibut, mackerel, and herring), shellfish, grass-fed beef and pork, free-range chicken and turkey, rabbit, and any kind of game, either bought or hunted. (The gastronomically adventurous can find buffalo, ostrich, emu, kangaroo, and venison at many upscale supermarkets and health food stores.)
Putting It All Together
The Paleo Diet is the unique diet to which our species is genetically adapted. This program of eating was not designed by diet doctors, faddists, or nutritionists, but by evolution and natural selection. It is based upon extensive scientific research examining the types and quantities of foods our hunter-gatherer ancestors ate.
With readily available modern foods, the Paleo Diet mimics the types of foods every single person on the planet ate prior to the Agricultural Revolution (a mere 500 generations ago). These foods (fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats and seafood) are high in the beneficial nutrients (soluble fiber, antioxidant vitamins, phytochemicals, omega-3 and monounsaturated fats, and low-glycemic carbohydrates) that promote good health. And they are low in the nutrients (refined sugars and grains, saturated and trans-fats, salt, and high-glycemic carbohydrates) that frequently cause weight gain, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and numerous other health problems.
You might consider it heretical to believe that lean meat is healthful while whole grains and dairy products are not necessarily so. But the basis for this conclusion comes from overwhelming evolutionary evidence that is increasingly being substantiated by human, animal, and tissue studies.
We all remain hunter-gatherers, displaced in time, yet still genetically adapted to a diet dominated by lean meats and fresh fruits and veggies.
Body is a machine, an intelligent one! Eat Walnuts, low glycemic load foods
Your Body Is a Machine ... an Intelligent One
By Jon Herring
Two years ago, I was almost 25 pounds over my ideal weight. At the time, I was generally eating a healthy diet, but I was consuming too many sweet and starchy foods. To lose weight, I changed my diet to one high in protein, rich in healthy fats, and low in carbohydrates. I do eat carbohydrates, of course, but I try to stick to those that are low on the glycemic index.
Soon after I started this diet, the fat began to disappear. Two months later, despite eating more frequently and eating more calories, I'd lost the extra weight and put on muscle.
I'm telling you this as background for the response I gave to a question from ETR reader Joanne M. She wrote in after reading an article by Dr. Sears titled "Reach for Walnuts." In it, he said, "Best of all, [walnuts] score a perfect zero on the glycemic index, meaning you can eat as many as you like and never get fat." This statement prompted Joanne to say:
"Wow, I can't believe I just read this - and from a DOCTOR!!!! Here's what 10 seconds of research told me:
- 1 cup of walnuts is over 700 calories- 3,500 calories = 1 pound
"You do the math. If I eat 1 cup of walnuts/day Monday to Friday, and DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE in my diet, I will put on an extra 4 or so pounds a month."
I understand the physics of energy consumed vs. energy expended, but from my own experience with weight gain and weight loss, I knew there was something else at work. I asked Dr. Sears about it, and here is what he told me:
"Your body has the choice to use extra calories in any way it sees fit. Extra calories does not necessarily mean extra fat. That may be what science believes, but it doesn't take into consideration a real person living a real life in a changing environment. I've had female patients who eat only 800 calories a day yet struggle with obesity. I've had bodybuilder patients who eat 6,000 calories a day and have 3 percent body fat.
Insulin regulates fat production and storage. With a glycemic index of 0, walnuts will never trigger an insulin response. Therefore, your chances of triggering fat production from eating walnuts are slim to none. If you ate an extra 3,500 calories a week and those calories came from rice cakes, which have a very high glycemic index, that would be a different story. You would most certainly see weight gain.
Scientists see the body as a machine that has no choices. So, to them, extra calories means extra fat. My experience has shown me that the body itself is a sentient system, with its own intelligence, able to make decisions and responses based on the environment."
Dr. Sears ended by advising Joanne to take the challenge and eat a cup of walnuts every day!
By Jon Herring
Two years ago, I was almost 25 pounds over my ideal weight. At the time, I was generally eating a healthy diet, but I was consuming too many sweet and starchy foods. To lose weight, I changed my diet to one high in protein, rich in healthy fats, and low in carbohydrates. I do eat carbohydrates, of course, but I try to stick to those that are low on the glycemic index.
Soon after I started this diet, the fat began to disappear. Two months later, despite eating more frequently and eating more calories, I'd lost the extra weight and put on muscle.
I'm telling you this as background for the response I gave to a question from ETR reader Joanne M. She wrote in after reading an article by Dr. Sears titled "Reach for Walnuts." In it, he said, "Best of all, [walnuts] score a perfect zero on the glycemic index, meaning you can eat as many as you like and never get fat." This statement prompted Joanne to say:
"Wow, I can't believe I just read this - and from a DOCTOR!!!! Here's what 10 seconds of research told me:
- 1 cup of walnuts is over 700 calories- 3,500 calories = 1 pound
"You do the math. If I eat 1 cup of walnuts/day Monday to Friday, and DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE in my diet, I will put on an extra 4 or so pounds a month."
I understand the physics of energy consumed vs. energy expended, but from my own experience with weight gain and weight loss, I knew there was something else at work. I asked Dr. Sears about it, and here is what he told me:
"Your body has the choice to use extra calories in any way it sees fit. Extra calories does not necessarily mean extra fat. That may be what science believes, but it doesn't take into consideration a real person living a real life in a changing environment. I've had female patients who eat only 800 calories a day yet struggle with obesity. I've had bodybuilder patients who eat 6,000 calories a day and have 3 percent body fat.
Insulin regulates fat production and storage. With a glycemic index of 0, walnuts will never trigger an insulin response. Therefore, your chances of triggering fat production from eating walnuts are slim to none. If you ate an extra 3,500 calories a week and those calories came from rice cakes, which have a very high glycemic index, that would be a different story. You would most certainly see weight gain.
Scientists see the body as a machine that has no choices. So, to them, extra calories means extra fat. My experience has shown me that the body itself is a sentient system, with its own intelligence, able to make decisions and responses based on the environment."
Dr. Sears ended by advising Joanne to take the challenge and eat a cup of walnuts every day!
retiremnt rules, dividend yeilding stocks 80% of portfolio
Golden rules for Retirement -
Golden Rule #1
Eight out of ten stocks you own should pay dividends. I simply can’t stress this enough. By owning companies that pay dividends, you’ll automatically position yourself to secure a rising income stream.
For that reason, you’ll want to stick with companies that are generating lots of cash and rewarding investors with hefty dividend payments and increases.
Using this rule all by itself will eliminate the mistake nine out of ten retirees make. As you’ll see in your free Retirement Success Plan 2007, the cash-on-cash companies that we’re recommending now are on track to give you a rising source of income that could hand you 8%, 10%, even 15 % in annual future dividends for every $1 you invest now.
Golden Rule #2
Live on your dividend income, not your capital gains. I know this sounds like common sense, but many investors are not doing this right now. It’s not intentional, of course. But from time to time, when times are tight, they rob their nest eggs—only to see their income decline as well as their growth.
By securing a rising source of income, you may never have to rob your nest egg again. In Retirement Success Plan 2007, I’ll show you how.
Golden Rule #3
Never aim for an overall yield of higher than 6%! In your desire to boost your income, many of the highest dividend payers are the riskiest.
By keeping your current average yield around 5%, you’ll rest easy at night knowing that your money is in financially healthy stocks that offer reasonable prospects for dividend growth in future years to offset inflation.
Golden Rule #1
Eight out of ten stocks you own should pay dividends. I simply can’t stress this enough. By owning companies that pay dividends, you’ll automatically position yourself to secure a rising income stream.
For that reason, you’ll want to stick with companies that are generating lots of cash and rewarding investors with hefty dividend payments and increases.
Using this rule all by itself will eliminate the mistake nine out of ten retirees make. As you’ll see in your free Retirement Success Plan 2007, the cash-on-cash companies that we’re recommending now are on track to give you a rising source of income that could hand you 8%, 10%, even 15 % in annual future dividends for every $1 you invest now.
Golden Rule #2
Live on your dividend income, not your capital gains. I know this sounds like common sense, but many investors are not doing this right now. It’s not intentional, of course. But from time to time, when times are tight, they rob their nest eggs—only to see their income decline as well as their growth.
By securing a rising source of income, you may never have to rob your nest egg again. In Retirement Success Plan 2007, I’ll show you how.
Golden Rule #3
Never aim for an overall yield of higher than 6%! In your desire to boost your income, many of the highest dividend payers are the riskiest.
By keeping your current average yield around 5%, you’ll rest easy at night knowing that your money is in financially healthy stocks that offer reasonable prospects for dividend growth in future years to offset inflation.
Happinesss and Wealth - the Relationship
Happiness Breeds Wealth (and Vice Versa)
by Laura Rowley
Posted on Thursday, September 28, 2006, 3:00AM
Last week, I couldn't help noticing a number of news stories that landed squarely at the crossroads of money and happiness.
The people involved -- a turtle expert, a boxer, and a space traveler -- seem to have little in common. But all three got me thinking about what it means to be genuinely wealthy.
Here's what I concluded:
1. Geniuses are willing to persistently follow their passions even when they're not financially rewarding
As an eight-year-old, David Carroll visited a wetlands area in Pennsylvania for the first time, and was captivated by a spotted turtle. He dedicated his life to the study of turtles and other wetlands creatures, working as an illustrator and author, and advocating better habitat protection. His latest book is Self Portrait with Turtles: A Memoir.
Last week, the MacArthur Foundation awarded Carroll a "genius grant," one of 25 given this year to creative individuals across a variety of fields. The foundation offers the grant "to encourage people of outstanding talent to pursue their own creative, intellectual, and professional inclinations," according to its web site. Winners receive $500,000 each.
It was an unexpected windfall for Carroll, 64, who told the Boston Globe that he and his wife, also an artist, raised three children and struggled financially. They went without health insurance for three decades.
The grant, paid out over five years, has no strings attached to the use of the funds, or any reporting requirements. "This is a wonderful thing for any artist ... to be able to see ahead, to have that kind of time to continue their work," Carroll told New Hampshire Public Radio.
What will Carroll do with the money? "I will continue my ramblings out there, observing the turtles and wetlands, and the advocacy for that kind of habitat protection, and continue with my artwork and writing," he told NHPR.
In other words, money -- its lack or abundance -- has no effect at all on how David Carroll spends his time. If there's a money-and-happiness lesson here, it's in the answers to these questions: What would you do with your time if money were no object? If it's not the work you do now, why not?
2. Confidence is wealth
The New York Times recently profiled former boxer George Foreman, focusing on his path from riches to near-bankruptcy ("Fortune's Fools: Why the Rich Go Broke," free subscription required).
After retiring, Foreman returned to the ring in the late 1980s at age 45 to stave off financial collapse -- having blown through the $5 million he earned earlier in his career.
Foreman told the Times how he defined real wealth: "If you're confident, you're wealthy," he said. "I've seen guys who work on a ship channel and they get to a certain point and they're confident. You can look in their faces, they're longshoremen, and they have this confidence about them."
Foreman said he can detect a longshoreman who has ample home equity and enough cash in the bank to feel secure, and that some people, no matter how much money they have, never achieve that peace of mind. "I've seen a lot of guys with millions and they don't have any confidence," he said. "So they're not wealthy."
Put another way, wealth is what you get when you know what you want, set clear goals (in this case, owning your home and saving for retirement), and never lose sight of them. Wealth is understanding that money is a tool -- not a meter that measures your value as a person -- and knowing how to use that tool to help achieve what's most meaningful to you.
3. All you need is $20 million and a dream
Anousheh Ansari's dream began in Iran, where she gazed at the stars from the balcony of her family home. Last week, she got a closer look.
Ansari, 40, and two professional astronauts blasted off in the Russian spacecraft Soyuz from Kazakhstan on Sept. 18 for an eight-day stay at the International Space Station. Ansari is the fourth private citizen to visit the station.
Her parents left Iran a few years after the Shah was deposed because, she told CNN, they wanted her to pursue her passion for science to the fullest extent possible. When her family arrived in the U.S. in 1984, the 16-year-old spoke no English, except a few verses of the song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music.
She went on to earn a bachelor's degree in electronics and computer engineering, and a master's degree in electrical engineering. She met her husband, Hamid Ansari, when both were working at MCI.
In 1993, she convinced him to cash in their stock options, max out their credit cards, and start their own firm, Telecom Technologies, which created patented signal-switching software. They later sold it for hundreds of millions of dollars, and now run a venture capital and technology firm called Prodea Systems.
Her space trip required months of vigorous training; Ansari had to learn Russian, as well as how to operate life support systems on the space station. "I want to reach women and girls in remote parts of the world where women are not encouraged to go into science and technology jobs," Ansari told The New York Times. "They should believe in what they want and pursue it." (Judging from the visitor comments on her blog, she's reaching quite a few.)
Estimates say that Ansari paid $20 million for the tour. She's been interested in space travel for years, and has provided millions of dollars in funding for various ventures to develop suborbital spacecraft. Such vehicles could potentially provide space travel opportunities for others at more affordable prices.
Riches from Within
I've met people like Ansari -- people who never pursued riches but ended up wealthy because they discovered a special gift and invested the time and hard work to develop it.
In his book The Good Life: Where Morality and Spirituality Converge, theology professor Richard Gula writes, "To live the good life, we must be committed to recognizing our gifts, to developing them, and to using them freely in ways that serve the well-being of others and the whole community."
Ansari's lesson? Stop worrying about making money and place a spectacular bet on your own talents. And never take for granted the blessing of living in a country that offers the freedom to make the most of them.
by Laura Rowley
Posted on Thursday, September 28, 2006, 3:00AM
Last week, I couldn't help noticing a number of news stories that landed squarely at the crossroads of money and happiness.
The people involved -- a turtle expert, a boxer, and a space traveler -- seem to have little in common. But all three got me thinking about what it means to be genuinely wealthy.
Here's what I concluded:
1. Geniuses are willing to persistently follow their passions even when they're not financially rewarding
As an eight-year-old, David Carroll visited a wetlands area in Pennsylvania for the first time, and was captivated by a spotted turtle. He dedicated his life to the study of turtles and other wetlands creatures, working as an illustrator and author, and advocating better habitat protection. His latest book is Self Portrait with Turtles: A Memoir.
Last week, the MacArthur Foundation awarded Carroll a "genius grant," one of 25 given this year to creative individuals across a variety of fields. The foundation offers the grant "to encourage people of outstanding talent to pursue their own creative, intellectual, and professional inclinations," according to its web site. Winners receive $500,000 each.
It was an unexpected windfall for Carroll, 64, who told the Boston Globe that he and his wife, also an artist, raised three children and struggled financially. They went without health insurance for three decades.
The grant, paid out over five years, has no strings attached to the use of the funds, or any reporting requirements. "This is a wonderful thing for any artist ... to be able to see ahead, to have that kind of time to continue their work," Carroll told New Hampshire Public Radio.
What will Carroll do with the money? "I will continue my ramblings out there, observing the turtles and wetlands, and the advocacy for that kind of habitat protection, and continue with my artwork and writing," he told NHPR.
In other words, money -- its lack or abundance -- has no effect at all on how David Carroll spends his time. If there's a money-and-happiness lesson here, it's in the answers to these questions: What would you do with your time if money were no object? If it's not the work you do now, why not?
2. Confidence is wealth
The New York Times recently profiled former boxer George Foreman, focusing on his path from riches to near-bankruptcy ("Fortune's Fools: Why the Rich Go Broke," free subscription required).
After retiring, Foreman returned to the ring in the late 1980s at age 45 to stave off financial collapse -- having blown through the $5 million he earned earlier in his career.
Foreman told the Times how he defined real wealth: "If you're confident, you're wealthy," he said. "I've seen guys who work on a ship channel and they get to a certain point and they're confident. You can look in their faces, they're longshoremen, and they have this confidence about them."
Foreman said he can detect a longshoreman who has ample home equity and enough cash in the bank to feel secure, and that some people, no matter how much money they have, never achieve that peace of mind. "I've seen a lot of guys with millions and they don't have any confidence," he said. "So they're not wealthy."
Put another way, wealth is what you get when you know what you want, set clear goals (in this case, owning your home and saving for retirement), and never lose sight of them. Wealth is understanding that money is a tool -- not a meter that measures your value as a person -- and knowing how to use that tool to help achieve what's most meaningful to you.
3. All you need is $20 million and a dream
Anousheh Ansari's dream began in Iran, where she gazed at the stars from the balcony of her family home. Last week, she got a closer look.
Ansari, 40, and two professional astronauts blasted off in the Russian spacecraft Soyuz from Kazakhstan on Sept. 18 for an eight-day stay at the International Space Station. Ansari is the fourth private citizen to visit the station.
Her parents left Iran a few years after the Shah was deposed because, she told CNN, they wanted her to pursue her passion for science to the fullest extent possible. When her family arrived in the U.S. in 1984, the 16-year-old spoke no English, except a few verses of the song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music.
She went on to earn a bachelor's degree in electronics and computer engineering, and a master's degree in electrical engineering. She met her husband, Hamid Ansari, when both were working at MCI.
In 1993, she convinced him to cash in their stock options, max out their credit cards, and start their own firm, Telecom Technologies, which created patented signal-switching software. They later sold it for hundreds of millions of dollars, and now run a venture capital and technology firm called Prodea Systems.
Her space trip required months of vigorous training; Ansari had to learn Russian, as well as how to operate life support systems on the space station. "I want to reach women and girls in remote parts of the world where women are not encouraged to go into science and technology jobs," Ansari told The New York Times. "They should believe in what they want and pursue it." (Judging from the visitor comments on her blog, she's reaching quite a few.)
Estimates say that Ansari paid $20 million for the tour. She's been interested in space travel for years, and has provided millions of dollars in funding for various ventures to develop suborbital spacecraft. Such vehicles could potentially provide space travel opportunities for others at more affordable prices.
Riches from Within
I've met people like Ansari -- people who never pursued riches but ended up wealthy because they discovered a special gift and invested the time and hard work to develop it.
In his book The Good Life: Where Morality and Spirituality Converge, theology professor Richard Gula writes, "To live the good life, we must be committed to recognizing our gifts, to developing them, and to using them freely in ways that serve the well-being of others and the whole community."
Ansari's lesson? Stop worrying about making money and place a spectacular bet on your own talents. And never take for granted the blessing of living in a country that offers the freedom to make the most of them.
The Key to being popular - Summarized
“The key to being popular with both sexes is: Be kind. Be honest. Be tactful. If you can’t be beautiful (or handsome), be well-groomed, tastefully attired, conscious of your posture, and keep a smile on your face.
“Be clean in body and mind. If you’re not a ‘brain,’ try harder. If you’re not a great athlete, be a good sport. Try to be a standout in something. If you can’t dance or sing, learn to play an instrument.
“Think for yourself, but respect the rules. Be generous with kind words and affectionate gestures, but save the heavy artillery. … You’ll be glad you did”
“Be clean in body and mind. If you’re not a ‘brain,’ try harder. If you’re not a great athlete, be a good sport. Try to be a standout in something. If you can’t dance or sing, learn to play an instrument.
“Think for yourself, but respect the rules. Be generous with kind words and affectionate gestures, but save the heavy artillery. … You’ll be glad you did”
What You Didn’t Learn in School About Marriage
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
While you undoubtedly learned many useful things in school, how to create a happy marital relationship probably wasn’t included. Most spouses learn about marriage through the proverbial “School of Hard Knocks.”
As a student, you undergo drills to help you learn your multiplication tables, you’re tested on your mastery of geography and science, and you memorize spelling words. As you progress, you learn to write term papers and to analyze symbolism in literature.
But you were probably not taught one of the most important skills you could learn: how to create, nurture, and sustain a healthy, satisfying relationship with good communication and intimacy. And, sad to say, some people never learn this skill even after multiple marriages.
There are many misconceptions about marriage and the impact of two individuals saying “I do.” Much emphasis is devoted to planning the perfect wedding—more than is usually devoted to becoming the best partner possible. Often, the marriage is regarded as something that will fall into place with minimum effort after the ceremony.
10 Marriage Realities School Never Taught You
Which of the following ten points about marriage were you surprised to learn after you said “I do”?
1. Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard work. It doesn’t just happen on its own. Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some believe that if you really love someone, the relationship shouldn’t be work, it should just flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all meaningful relationships require an on-going investment of time, effort, energy, and commitment.
2. You don’t get to coast for very long. It seems that when things are going well, you should get to “take a break” from the relationship stuff for awhile.But if you’re not growing and evolving as individuals and as a couple, then your relationship is soon going to suffer. There’s no such thing as standing still and having everything stay the same. You’re either going forwards or you’re going backwards.
3. Saying “I do” is not the end—it’s the beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are married, they don’t have to extend as much effort into being romantic or nurturing the relationship.But a marital relationship isn’t the end of the road. It’s only the beginning of your opportunity to “grow your marriage” and create a rewarding relationship with your partner.
4. You’re not going to change your partner after you marry. No matter how many times this statement is written or verbalized, there are many individuals who still believe that their case will be different. Motivation to change is normally the highest before marriage when both partners want to please each other. After marriage, it’s easier to become comfortable and lose motivation to work on self-growth. Females are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the potential that they see in their partner, they’re convinced that they can change him. This usually leads to a rude awakening after marriage.
5. You can’t give what you don’t already have. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself before you can create a happy, peaceful, harmonious marriage.Marriage won’t make you happy. Only you can do that. If you’re not happy with yourself and your life when you get married, nothing will change significantly afterwards.
6. Frequent emotional housekeeping is required for intimacy to thrive. It doesn’t take long for a marriage to develop serious problems when emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and issues piles up. This is why good communication is important. Couples who can’t talk about their differences and resolve conflict are at high risk for divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy, and heartfelt connection are all dependent on good communication.
7. The words you say are important, so pick them carefully. You can’t expect the spouse you called a “witch” or “fool” at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m. By the words you use in your interactions with your partner, you impact how your spouse feels about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build rapport, respect, and caring. The words you use to yourself and others when talking about your spouse and your marriage are also important. When you devalue someone or something verbally, it affects your feelings and perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus.
8. Just because you dislike your partner intensely at the moment doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or her. It’s normal to have mixed feelings toward your spouse at times. Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in your reactions—you know, the one who could stomp his feet and scream, “I hate you, Mommy!” when he didn’t get his own way. There are times when spouses can’t stand each other and the feelings of closeness and connection lessen. But that doesn’t mean that the marriage is over or that the love is permanently gone.
9. Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside job. The breakthroughs happen when you take responsibility for your actions and attitudes and focus on what changes you can make to improve the relationship. It’s important to learn how to stay centered and balanced emotionally as much as possible, and that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to be more self-aware will help you better understand your part in creating the present situation.
10. There’s no end to growth. There’s always something else to experience and learn. You can always improve your relationship skills and grow more as a person.Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma if you meet the requirements, you never “graduate” from relationship school. Just when you think you’ve learned to keep your equilibrium in your relationship, something is sure to throw you off balance as if to test you.And in the areas where you resist growth, you’ll find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive patterns. Then you have a choice—to stay stuck or keep on growing.
The Keep Your Marriage Philosophy
The steps to creating an exceptional marriage include:
1. Accepting responsibility for your own actions
2. Minimizing blame and resentment
3. Focusing on how you need to change
4. Directing energy into becoming the kind of marriage partner you'd like to have
It is possible to create the marriage of your dreams if you're willing to work hard, love deeply, dream big, and persevere.
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
While you undoubtedly learned many useful things in school, how to create a happy marital relationship probably wasn’t included. Most spouses learn about marriage through the proverbial “School of Hard Knocks.”
As a student, you undergo drills to help you learn your multiplication tables, you’re tested on your mastery of geography and science, and you memorize spelling words. As you progress, you learn to write term papers and to analyze symbolism in literature.
But you were probably not taught one of the most important skills you could learn: how to create, nurture, and sustain a healthy, satisfying relationship with good communication and intimacy. And, sad to say, some people never learn this skill even after multiple marriages.
There are many misconceptions about marriage and the impact of two individuals saying “I do.” Much emphasis is devoted to planning the perfect wedding—more than is usually devoted to becoming the best partner possible. Often, the marriage is regarded as something that will fall into place with minimum effort after the ceremony.
10 Marriage Realities School Never Taught You
Which of the following ten points about marriage were you surprised to learn after you said “I do”?
1. Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard work. It doesn’t just happen on its own. Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some believe that if you really love someone, the relationship shouldn’t be work, it should just flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all meaningful relationships require an on-going investment of time, effort, energy, and commitment.
2. You don’t get to coast for very long. It seems that when things are going well, you should get to “take a break” from the relationship stuff for awhile.But if you’re not growing and evolving as individuals and as a couple, then your relationship is soon going to suffer. There’s no such thing as standing still and having everything stay the same. You’re either going forwards or you’re going backwards.
3. Saying “I do” is not the end—it’s the beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are married, they don’t have to extend as much effort into being romantic or nurturing the relationship.But a marital relationship isn’t the end of the road. It’s only the beginning of your opportunity to “grow your marriage” and create a rewarding relationship with your partner.
4. You’re not going to change your partner after you marry. No matter how many times this statement is written or verbalized, there are many individuals who still believe that their case will be different. Motivation to change is normally the highest before marriage when both partners want to please each other. After marriage, it’s easier to become comfortable and lose motivation to work on self-growth. Females are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the potential that they see in their partner, they’re convinced that they can change him. This usually leads to a rude awakening after marriage.
5. You can’t give what you don’t already have. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself before you can create a happy, peaceful, harmonious marriage.Marriage won’t make you happy. Only you can do that. If you’re not happy with yourself and your life when you get married, nothing will change significantly afterwards.
6. Frequent emotional housekeeping is required for intimacy to thrive. It doesn’t take long for a marriage to develop serious problems when emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and issues piles up. This is why good communication is important. Couples who can’t talk about their differences and resolve conflict are at high risk for divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy, and heartfelt connection are all dependent on good communication.
7. The words you say are important, so pick them carefully. You can’t expect the spouse you called a “witch” or “fool” at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m. By the words you use in your interactions with your partner, you impact how your spouse feels about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build rapport, respect, and caring. The words you use to yourself and others when talking about your spouse and your marriage are also important. When you devalue someone or something verbally, it affects your feelings and perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus.
8. Just because you dislike your partner intensely at the moment doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or her. It’s normal to have mixed feelings toward your spouse at times. Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in your reactions—you know, the one who could stomp his feet and scream, “I hate you, Mommy!” when he didn’t get his own way. There are times when spouses can’t stand each other and the feelings of closeness and connection lessen. But that doesn’t mean that the marriage is over or that the love is permanently gone.
9. Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside job. The breakthroughs happen when you take responsibility for your actions and attitudes and focus on what changes you can make to improve the relationship. It’s important to learn how to stay centered and balanced emotionally as much as possible, and that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to be more self-aware will help you better understand your part in creating the present situation.
10. There’s no end to growth. There’s always something else to experience and learn. You can always improve your relationship skills and grow more as a person.Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma if you meet the requirements, you never “graduate” from relationship school. Just when you think you’ve learned to keep your equilibrium in your relationship, something is sure to throw you off balance as if to test you.And in the areas where you resist growth, you’ll find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive patterns. Then you have a choice—to stay stuck or keep on growing.
The Keep Your Marriage Philosophy
The steps to creating an exceptional marriage include:
1. Accepting responsibility for your own actions
2. Minimizing blame and resentment
3. Focusing on how you need to change
4. Directing energy into becoming the kind of marriage partner you'd like to have
It is possible to create the marriage of your dreams if you're willing to work hard, love deeply, dream big, and persevere.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Google, Ten Golden Rules
Google: Ten Golden Rules
Getting the most out of knowledge workers will be the key to business success for the next quarter century.
Here's how we do it at Google. By Eric Schmidt and Hal Varian NewsweekUpdated: 9:33 a.m. MT Dec 2, 2005Issues 2006 - At google, we think business guru Peter Drucker well understood how to manage the new breed of "knowledge workers." After all, Drucker invented the term in 1959. He says knowledge workers believe they are paid to be effective, not to work 9 to 5, and that smart businesses will "strip away everything that gets in their knowledge workers' way." Those that succeed will attract the best performers, securing "the single biggest factor for competitive advantage in the next 25 years."
At Google, we seek that advantage. The ongoing debate about whether big corporations are mismanaging knowledge workers is one we take very seriously, because those who don't get it right will be gone. We've drawn on good ideas we've seen elsewhere and come up with a few of our own. What follows are seven key principles we use to make knowledge workers most effective. As in most technology companies, many of our employees are engineers, so we will focus on that particular group, but many of the policies apply to all sorts of knowledge workers.
Hire by committee. Virtually every person who interviews at Google talks to at least half-a-dozen interviewers, drawn from both management and potential colleagues. Everyone's opinion counts, making the hiring process more fair and pushing standards higher. Yes, it takes longer, but we think it's worth it. If you hire great people and involve them intensively in the hiring process, you'll get more great people. We started building this positive feedback loop when the company was founded, and it has had a huge payoff.
Cater to their every need. As Drucker says, the goal is to "strip away everything that gets in their way." We provide a standard package of fringe benefits, but on top of that are first-class dining facilities, gyms, laundry rooms, massage rooms, haircuts, carwashes, dry cleaning, commuting buses—just about anything a hardworking engineer might want. Let's face it: programmers want to program, they don't want to do their laundry. So we make it easy for them to do both.Pack them in. Almost every project at Google is a team project, and teams have to communicate. The best way to make communication easy is to put team members within a few feet of each other. The result is that virtually everyone at Google shares an office. This way, when a programmer needs to confer with a colleague, there is immediate access: no telephone tag, no e-mail delay, no waiting for a reply. Of course, there are many conference rooms that people can use for detailed discussion so that they don't disturb their office mates. Even the CEO shared an office at Google for several months after he arrived. Sitting next to a knowledgeable employee was an incredibly effective educational experience.
Make coordination easy. Because all members of a team are within a few feet of one another, it is relatively easy to coordinate projects. In addition to physical proximity, each Googler e-mails a snippet once a week to his work group describing what he has done in the last week. This gives everyone an easy way to track what everyone else is up to, making it much easier to monitor progress and synchronize work flow.
Eat your own dog food. Google workers use the company's tools intensively. The most obvious tool is the Web, with an internal Web page for virtually every project and every task. They are all indexed and available to project participants on an as-needed basis. We also make extensive use of other information-management tools, some of which are eventually rolled out as products. For example, one of the reasons for Gmail's success is that it was beta tested within the company for many months. The use of e-mail is critical within the organization, so Gmail had to be tuned to satisfy the needs of some of our most demanding customers—our knowledge workers.
Encourage creativity. Google engineers can spend up to 20 percent of their time on a project of their choice. There is, of course, an approval process and some oversight, but basically we want to allow creative people to be creative. One of our not-so-secret weapons is our ideas mailing list: a companywide suggestion box where people can post ideas ranging from parking procedures to the next killer app. The software allows for everyone to comment on and rate ideas, permitting the best ideas to percolate to the top.
Strive to reach consensus. Modern corporate mythology has the unique decision maker as hero. We adhere to the view that the "many are smarter than the few," and solicit a broad base of views before reaching any decision. At Google, the role of the manager is that of an aggregator of viewpoints, not the dictator of decisions. Building a consensus sometimes takes longer, but always produces a more committed team and better decisions
Don't be evil. Much has been written about Google's slogan, but we really try to live by it, particularly in the ranks of management. As in every organization, people are passionate about their views. But nobody throws chairs at Google, unlike management practices used at some other well-known technology companies. We foster to create an atmosphere of tolerance and respect, not a company full of yes men.
Data drive decisions. At Google, almost every decision is based on quantitative analysis. We've built systems to manage information, not only on the Internet at large, but also internally. We have dozens of analysts who plow through the data, analyze performance metrics and plot trends to keep us as up to date as possible. We have a raft of online "dashboards" for every business we work in that provide up-to-the-minute snapshots of where we are.Communicate effectively. Every Friday we have an all-hands assembly with announcements, introductions and questions and answers. (Oh, yes, and some food and drink.) This allows management to stay in touch with what our knowledge workers are thinking and vice versa. Google has remarkably broad dissemination of information within the organization and remarkably few serious leaks. Contrary to what some might think, we believe it is the first fact that causes the second: a trusted work force is a loyal work force.
Of course, we're not the only company that follows these practices. Many of them are common around Silicon Valley. And we recognize that our management techniques have to evolve as the company grows. There are several problems that we (and other companies like us) face.
One is "techno arrogance." Engineers are competitive by nature and they have low tolerance for those who aren't as driven or as knowledgeable as they are. But almost all engineering projects are team projects; having a smart but inflexible person on a team can be deadly. If we see a recommendation that says "smartest person I've ever known" combined with "I wouldn't ever want to work with them again," we decline to make them an offer. One reason for extensive peer interviews is to make sure that teams are enthused about the new team member. Many of our best people are terrific role models in terms of team building, and we want to keep it that way.
A related problem is the not-invented-here syndrome. A good engineer is always convinced that he can build a better system than the existing ones, leading to the refrain "Don't buy it, build it." Well, they may be right, but we have to focus on those projects with the biggest payoff. Sometimes this means going outside the company for products and services.
Another issue that we will face in the coming years is the maturation of the company, the industry and our work force. We, along with other firms in this industry, are in a rapid growth stage now, but that won't go on forever. Some of our new workers are fresh out of college; others have families and extensive job experience. Their interests and needs are different. We need to provide benefits and a work environment that will be attractive to all ages.
A final issue is making sure that as Google grows, communication procedures keep pace with our increasing scale. The Friday meetings are great for the Mountain View team, but Google is now a global organization.
We have focused on managing creativity and innovation, but that's not the only thing that matters at Google. We also have to manage day-to-day operations, and it's not an easy task. We are building technology infrastructure that is dramatically larger, more complex and more demanding than anything that has been built in history. Those who plan, implement and maintain these systems, which are growing to meet a constantly rising set of demands, have to have strong incentives, too. At Google, operations are not just an afterthought: they are critical to the company's success, and we want to have just as much effort and creativity in this domain as in new product development.
Schmidt is CEO of Google. Varian is a Berkeley professor and consultant with Google.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10296177/site/newsweek/
Getting the most out of knowledge workers will be the key to business success for the next quarter century.
Here's how we do it at Google. By Eric Schmidt and Hal Varian NewsweekUpdated: 9:33 a.m. MT Dec 2, 2005Issues 2006 - At google, we think business guru Peter Drucker well understood how to manage the new breed of "knowledge workers." After all, Drucker invented the term in 1959. He says knowledge workers believe they are paid to be effective, not to work 9 to 5, and that smart businesses will "strip away everything that gets in their knowledge workers' way." Those that succeed will attract the best performers, securing "the single biggest factor for competitive advantage in the next 25 years."
At Google, we seek that advantage. The ongoing debate about whether big corporations are mismanaging knowledge workers is one we take very seriously, because those who don't get it right will be gone. We've drawn on good ideas we've seen elsewhere and come up with a few of our own. What follows are seven key principles we use to make knowledge workers most effective. As in most technology companies, many of our employees are engineers, so we will focus on that particular group, but many of the policies apply to all sorts of knowledge workers.
Hire by committee. Virtually every person who interviews at Google talks to at least half-a-dozen interviewers, drawn from both management and potential colleagues. Everyone's opinion counts, making the hiring process more fair and pushing standards higher. Yes, it takes longer, but we think it's worth it. If you hire great people and involve them intensively in the hiring process, you'll get more great people. We started building this positive feedback loop when the company was founded, and it has had a huge payoff.
Cater to their every need. As Drucker says, the goal is to "strip away everything that gets in their way." We provide a standard package of fringe benefits, but on top of that are first-class dining facilities, gyms, laundry rooms, massage rooms, haircuts, carwashes, dry cleaning, commuting buses—just about anything a hardworking engineer might want. Let's face it: programmers want to program, they don't want to do their laundry. So we make it easy for them to do both.Pack them in. Almost every project at Google is a team project, and teams have to communicate. The best way to make communication easy is to put team members within a few feet of each other. The result is that virtually everyone at Google shares an office. This way, when a programmer needs to confer with a colleague, there is immediate access: no telephone tag, no e-mail delay, no waiting for a reply. Of course, there are many conference rooms that people can use for detailed discussion so that they don't disturb their office mates. Even the CEO shared an office at Google for several months after he arrived. Sitting next to a knowledgeable employee was an incredibly effective educational experience.
Make coordination easy. Because all members of a team are within a few feet of one another, it is relatively easy to coordinate projects. In addition to physical proximity, each Googler e-mails a snippet once a week to his work group describing what he has done in the last week. This gives everyone an easy way to track what everyone else is up to, making it much easier to monitor progress and synchronize work flow.
Eat your own dog food. Google workers use the company's tools intensively. The most obvious tool is the Web, with an internal Web page for virtually every project and every task. They are all indexed and available to project participants on an as-needed basis. We also make extensive use of other information-management tools, some of which are eventually rolled out as products. For example, one of the reasons for Gmail's success is that it was beta tested within the company for many months. The use of e-mail is critical within the organization, so Gmail had to be tuned to satisfy the needs of some of our most demanding customers—our knowledge workers.
Encourage creativity. Google engineers can spend up to 20 percent of their time on a project of their choice. There is, of course, an approval process and some oversight, but basically we want to allow creative people to be creative. One of our not-so-secret weapons is our ideas mailing list: a companywide suggestion box where people can post ideas ranging from parking procedures to the next killer app. The software allows for everyone to comment on and rate ideas, permitting the best ideas to percolate to the top.
Strive to reach consensus. Modern corporate mythology has the unique decision maker as hero. We adhere to the view that the "many are smarter than the few," and solicit a broad base of views before reaching any decision. At Google, the role of the manager is that of an aggregator of viewpoints, not the dictator of decisions. Building a consensus sometimes takes longer, but always produces a more committed team and better decisions
Don't be evil. Much has been written about Google's slogan, but we really try to live by it, particularly in the ranks of management. As in every organization, people are passionate about their views. But nobody throws chairs at Google, unlike management practices used at some other well-known technology companies. We foster to create an atmosphere of tolerance and respect, not a company full of yes men.
Data drive decisions. At Google, almost every decision is based on quantitative analysis. We've built systems to manage information, not only on the Internet at large, but also internally. We have dozens of analysts who plow through the data, analyze performance metrics and plot trends to keep us as up to date as possible. We have a raft of online "dashboards" for every business we work in that provide up-to-the-minute snapshots of where we are.Communicate effectively. Every Friday we have an all-hands assembly with announcements, introductions and questions and answers. (Oh, yes, and some food and drink.) This allows management to stay in touch with what our knowledge workers are thinking and vice versa. Google has remarkably broad dissemination of information within the organization and remarkably few serious leaks. Contrary to what some might think, we believe it is the first fact that causes the second: a trusted work force is a loyal work force.
Of course, we're not the only company that follows these practices. Many of them are common around Silicon Valley. And we recognize that our management techniques have to evolve as the company grows. There are several problems that we (and other companies like us) face.
One is "techno arrogance." Engineers are competitive by nature and they have low tolerance for those who aren't as driven or as knowledgeable as they are. But almost all engineering projects are team projects; having a smart but inflexible person on a team can be deadly. If we see a recommendation that says "smartest person I've ever known" combined with "I wouldn't ever want to work with them again," we decline to make them an offer. One reason for extensive peer interviews is to make sure that teams are enthused about the new team member. Many of our best people are terrific role models in terms of team building, and we want to keep it that way.
A related problem is the not-invented-here syndrome. A good engineer is always convinced that he can build a better system than the existing ones, leading to the refrain "Don't buy it, build it." Well, they may be right, but we have to focus on those projects with the biggest payoff. Sometimes this means going outside the company for products and services.
Another issue that we will face in the coming years is the maturation of the company, the industry and our work force. We, along with other firms in this industry, are in a rapid growth stage now, but that won't go on forever. Some of our new workers are fresh out of college; others have families and extensive job experience. Their interests and needs are different. We need to provide benefits and a work environment that will be attractive to all ages.
A final issue is making sure that as Google grows, communication procedures keep pace with our increasing scale. The Friday meetings are great for the Mountain View team, but Google is now a global organization.
We have focused on managing creativity and innovation, but that's not the only thing that matters at Google. We also have to manage day-to-day operations, and it's not an easy task. We are building technology infrastructure that is dramatically larger, more complex and more demanding than anything that has been built in history. Those who plan, implement and maintain these systems, which are growing to meet a constantly rising set of demands, have to have strong incentives, too. At Google, operations are not just an afterthought: they are critical to the company's success, and we want to have just as much effort and creativity in this domain as in new product development.
Schmidt is CEO of Google. Varian is a Berkeley professor and consultant with Google.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10296177/site/newsweek/
Why do good? Brain is tuned to needs of others
Why Do Good? Brain Study Offers Clues01.22.07, 12:00 AM ET
MONDAY, Jan. 22 (HealthDay News) -- People may not perform selfless acts just for an emotional reward, a new brain study suggests. Instead, they may do good because they're acutely tuned into the needs and actions of others.
Scientists say a piece of the brain linked to perceiving others' intentions shows more activity in unselfish vs. selfish types.
"Perhaps altruism did not grow out of a warm-glow feeling of doing good for others, but out of the simple recognition that that thing over there is a person that has intentions and goals. And therefore, I might want to treat them like I might want them to treat myself," explained study author Scott Huettel, an associate professor of psychology at Duke University Medical Center, in Durham, N.C.
He and lead researcher Dharol Tankersley, a graduate student at Duke, published their findings in the Jan. 21 online issue of Nature Neuroscience.
For decades, psychologists and neuroscientists have puzzled over the tendency of humans to engage in altruistic acts -- defined by Huettel's group as acts "that intentionally benefit another organism, incur no direct personal benefit, and sometimes bear a personal cost."
Experts note that altruism doesn't seem to provide individuals with any survival edge, so how and why did it evolve?
To help solve that puzzle, Heuttel's team had a group of healthy young adults either engage in a computer game or watch as the computer played the game itself. In some sessions, the computer and participants played for personal gain, while in other sessions, they played for charity.
The researchers used high-tech functional MRI (fMRI) to observe "hot spots" of activity in the participants' brains as they engaged in these tasks.
Participants were also asked to complete a questionnaire aimed at assessing their personal levels of selfishness or altruism.
Huettel said he was surprised by the study results.
"We went into this experiment with the idea that altruism was really a function of the brain's reward systems -- altruistic people would simply find it more rewarding," he said.
But instead, a whole other brain region, called the posterior superior temporal cortex (pSTC), kicked into high gear as altruism levels rose.
The pSTC is located near the back of the brain and is not focused on reward. Instead, it focuses on perceiving others' intentions and actions, Huettel said.
"The general function of this region is that it seems to be associated with perceiving, usually visually, stimuli that seems meaningful to us -- for example, something in the environment that might move an object from place to place," he explained.
This type of perception would have allowed humans' more primitive ancestors to quickly pick out a potential threat -- a crouching lion, for example -- from amid a mass of less important stimuli.
It's much less clear why pSTC activity gets ramped up in the brains of altruistic people, however. "That was really surprising to us," Huettel said.
The researchers found that pSTC activity was highest when study participants were observing the computer play the game on its own -- not when they were playing themselves. "That gets to this idea of agency -- watching somebody else play the game," Huettel said. "You are thinking, 'Oh, the computer pressed the button -- somebody else did that.' "
The bottom line, he said, is that altruism may rely on a basic understanding that others have motivations and actions that may be similar to our own.
"It's not exactly empathy," he said, but something more primitive. "We think that altruism may have grown out of -- at least in part -- such a system."
Another expert said the Duke study raises even more questions than it answers.
"It's a really interesting study," said Paul Sanberg, director of the Center of Excellence for Aging and Brain Repair at the University of South Florida College of Medicine, in Tampa. "It would be really interesting, now though, to see if people who had damage to that [brain] area were much less altruistic."
Huettel said he's pondered that possibility. "For example, we don't know if people who are sociopaths, or people who are autistic, might show differences in this region," he said. "It's a good question, but we don't have data that shows anything one way or another. This is just a jumping-off point."
Sanberg said the study also showed only an association between heightened pSTC activity and altruism, not a direct cause-and-effect relationship. "That needs further study," he said.
But the Florida neuroscientist said this type of work is helping unravel the mysteries of human consciousness and behavior.
"These functional studies with high-level human behaviors are shedding important light on the contribution of different brain areas," Sanberg said.
MONDAY, Jan. 22 (HealthDay News) -- People may not perform selfless acts just for an emotional reward, a new brain study suggests. Instead, they may do good because they're acutely tuned into the needs and actions of others.
Scientists say a piece of the brain linked to perceiving others' intentions shows more activity in unselfish vs. selfish types.
"Perhaps altruism did not grow out of a warm-glow feeling of doing good for others, but out of the simple recognition that that thing over there is a person that has intentions and goals. And therefore, I might want to treat them like I might want them to treat myself," explained study author Scott Huettel, an associate professor of psychology at Duke University Medical Center, in Durham, N.C.
He and lead researcher Dharol Tankersley, a graduate student at Duke, published their findings in the Jan. 21 online issue of Nature Neuroscience.
For decades, psychologists and neuroscientists have puzzled over the tendency of humans to engage in altruistic acts -- defined by Huettel's group as acts "that intentionally benefit another organism, incur no direct personal benefit, and sometimes bear a personal cost."
Experts note that altruism doesn't seem to provide individuals with any survival edge, so how and why did it evolve?
To help solve that puzzle, Heuttel's team had a group of healthy young adults either engage in a computer game or watch as the computer played the game itself. In some sessions, the computer and participants played for personal gain, while in other sessions, they played for charity.
The researchers used high-tech functional MRI (fMRI) to observe "hot spots" of activity in the participants' brains as they engaged in these tasks.
Participants were also asked to complete a questionnaire aimed at assessing their personal levels of selfishness or altruism.
Huettel said he was surprised by the study results.
"We went into this experiment with the idea that altruism was really a function of the brain's reward systems -- altruistic people would simply find it more rewarding," he said.
But instead, a whole other brain region, called the posterior superior temporal cortex (pSTC), kicked into high gear as altruism levels rose.
The pSTC is located near the back of the brain and is not focused on reward. Instead, it focuses on perceiving others' intentions and actions, Huettel said.
"The general function of this region is that it seems to be associated with perceiving, usually visually, stimuli that seems meaningful to us -- for example, something in the environment that might move an object from place to place," he explained.
This type of perception would have allowed humans' more primitive ancestors to quickly pick out a potential threat -- a crouching lion, for example -- from amid a mass of less important stimuli.
It's much less clear why pSTC activity gets ramped up in the brains of altruistic people, however. "That was really surprising to us," Huettel said.
The researchers found that pSTC activity was highest when study participants were observing the computer play the game on its own -- not when they were playing themselves. "That gets to this idea of agency -- watching somebody else play the game," Huettel said. "You are thinking, 'Oh, the computer pressed the button -- somebody else did that.' "
The bottom line, he said, is that altruism may rely on a basic understanding that others have motivations and actions that may be similar to our own.
"It's not exactly empathy," he said, but something more primitive. "We think that altruism may have grown out of -- at least in part -- such a system."
Another expert said the Duke study raises even more questions than it answers.
"It's a really interesting study," said Paul Sanberg, director of the Center of Excellence for Aging and Brain Repair at the University of South Florida College of Medicine, in Tampa. "It would be really interesting, now though, to see if people who had damage to that [brain] area were much less altruistic."
Huettel said he's pondered that possibility. "For example, we don't know if people who are sociopaths, or people who are autistic, might show differences in this region," he said. "It's a good question, but we don't have data that shows anything one way or another. This is just a jumping-off point."
Sanberg said the study also showed only an association between heightened pSTC activity and altruism, not a direct cause-and-effect relationship. "That needs further study," he said.
But the Florida neuroscientist said this type of work is helping unravel the mysteries of human consciousness and behavior.
"These functional studies with high-level human behaviors are shedding important light on the contribution of different brain areas," Sanberg said.
Cow manure powers ethanol plants
Cow manure helps power ethanol plantsBy NATE JENKINS
Ranchers have long been fond of saying cattle manure smells like money. Now, folks in the business of making ethanol are smelling dollars too -- in the methane gas emitted by manure at large cattle feedlots and dairies.
Across the country, ethanol plants powered by methane instead of costly natural gas or coal are on the drawing board -- a movement that could be a win-win situation for the environment and the industry.
"We'll produce ethanol much more efficiently and do it in an environmentally friendly way," said Dennis Langley, CEO of Kansas-based E3 BioFuels.
Burning the methane will cut the amount of the greenhouse gas -- which contributes to global warming -- released into the environment.
And in addition to providing a cheap energy alternative, using methane addresses a longtime criticism that making ethanol uses too much natural gas or coal to produce.
Supporters of corn-based ethanol and other biofuels contend they burn cleaner than fossil fuels, reduce U.S. dependence on foreign oil and give farmers another market to sell their produce.
The first plant using a so-called methanol closed-loop system is set to begin operations here in February.
Under the closed-loop system at the Mead plant, manure will fall through metal slats in the cattle pens and be collected. Methane from the manure will be trapped instead of being allowed to drift into the atmosphere, and then used to generate power for the plant. Corn and grain will be used to produce ethanol and cattle will eat the wet distiller's grain that is a byproduct of ethanol production, closing the loop.
Langley's plant is next to a 28,000-head cattle feedlot. The cattle will produce roughly 244,000 tons of manure annually -- more than enough to be the sole power source for the company's 25-million-gallon ethanol plant.
If the plant and others like it are successful, they could begin increasing expectations about the environmental impact of alternative-fuel production.
"Cows are a major source of greenhouse gas," said David Mager, vice president of Bion Environmental Technologies, a company helping livestock operations incorporate ethanol production by using manure. The company is working with about five ethanol plants now. "One-third of all methane comes from livestock."
Langley's company has a goal of completing 15 such plants over the next five years.
Other companies have similar plans to use methane to power ethanol plants.
Texas-based Panda Ethanol plans to build a total of four methane-powered ethanol plants in Texas, Colorado and Kansas, with the first scheduled to begin operations late this year.
And the boom is being fueled by more than a desire to help the environment.
A 40-million gallon ethanol plant can save millions of dollars annually in energy costs by using onsite methane instead of natural gas, Mager said.
"That's a very big piece of this," Mager said.
Traditional methods of making ethanol have been criticized for not reducing reliance on fossil fuels as much as advertised.
On average, it takes one unit of fossil-fuel based energy to produce ethanol containing between two and 2.5 units of energy, according to Langley.
A spokesman for the Renewable Fuels Association, a national trade association for ethanol, says the ratio is even lower, closer to one unit producing 1.67 units of ethanol energy.
Citing that ratio, "the idea that the energy balance equation goes against ethanol is really a non-argument anymore," said Matt Hartwig of the trade association.
But Langley believes the margins are too thin and that traditional ethanol production is too inefficient to be sustainable.
One unit of energy at his plant, he says, will turn out more than 46 energy units from ethanol.
"We blow it away," Langley said of his plant compared to traditional gas and coal-fired ethanol plants. "It's a radical departure."
But not one that will reform the entire ethanol industry, or even a large piece of it, said Hartwig. After all, one must have cattle -- and lots of them -- to make plants like the one near Mead work.
"You won't be able to do it everywhere," Hartwig said.
But manure isn't the only source of methane.
Outside Jackson, Neb., Leonard Gill plans on drawing gas from trash. He has tons of it as owner of a regional landfill.
His L.P. Gill Landfill is now dotted with wells that will draw methane gas that, in some cases, has been trapped in the ground for decades.
Pipes will transport the methane to an ethanol plant about a mile away. The methane will provide a portion of the plant's power and could save about $250,000 annually in energy costs, according to officials at the plant.
Before launching his venture, Gill visited landfills in five states where methane was being used to help generate electricity.
Now he talks like an old energy hand and, like others in the burgeoning methane-ethanol business, not without a little bit of pride.
"We can take a waste product and use it as an energy source," Gill said. "I never would have predicted this."
Ranchers have long been fond of saying cattle manure smells like money. Now, folks in the business of making ethanol are smelling dollars too -- in the methane gas emitted by manure at large cattle feedlots and dairies.
Across the country, ethanol plants powered by methane instead of costly natural gas or coal are on the drawing board -- a movement that could be a win-win situation for the environment and the industry.
"We'll produce ethanol much more efficiently and do it in an environmentally friendly way," said Dennis Langley, CEO of Kansas-based E3 BioFuels.
Burning the methane will cut the amount of the greenhouse gas -- which contributes to global warming -- released into the environment.
And in addition to providing a cheap energy alternative, using methane addresses a longtime criticism that making ethanol uses too much natural gas or coal to produce.
Supporters of corn-based ethanol and other biofuels contend they burn cleaner than fossil fuels, reduce U.S. dependence on foreign oil and give farmers another market to sell their produce.
The first plant using a so-called methanol closed-loop system is set to begin operations here in February.
Under the closed-loop system at the Mead plant, manure will fall through metal slats in the cattle pens and be collected. Methane from the manure will be trapped instead of being allowed to drift into the atmosphere, and then used to generate power for the plant. Corn and grain will be used to produce ethanol and cattle will eat the wet distiller's grain that is a byproduct of ethanol production, closing the loop.
Langley's plant is next to a 28,000-head cattle feedlot. The cattle will produce roughly 244,000 tons of manure annually -- more than enough to be the sole power source for the company's 25-million-gallon ethanol plant.
If the plant and others like it are successful, they could begin increasing expectations about the environmental impact of alternative-fuel production.
"Cows are a major source of greenhouse gas," said David Mager, vice president of Bion Environmental Technologies, a company helping livestock operations incorporate ethanol production by using manure. The company is working with about five ethanol plants now. "One-third of all methane comes from livestock."
Langley's company has a goal of completing 15 such plants over the next five years.
Other companies have similar plans to use methane to power ethanol plants.
Texas-based Panda Ethanol plans to build a total of four methane-powered ethanol plants in Texas, Colorado and Kansas, with the first scheduled to begin operations late this year.
And the boom is being fueled by more than a desire to help the environment.
A 40-million gallon ethanol plant can save millions of dollars annually in energy costs by using onsite methane instead of natural gas, Mager said.
"That's a very big piece of this," Mager said.
Traditional methods of making ethanol have been criticized for not reducing reliance on fossil fuels as much as advertised.
On average, it takes one unit of fossil-fuel based energy to produce ethanol containing between two and 2.5 units of energy, according to Langley.
A spokesman for the Renewable Fuels Association, a national trade association for ethanol, says the ratio is even lower, closer to one unit producing 1.67 units of ethanol energy.
Citing that ratio, "the idea that the energy balance equation goes against ethanol is really a non-argument anymore," said Matt Hartwig of the trade association.
But Langley believes the margins are too thin and that traditional ethanol production is too inefficient to be sustainable.
One unit of energy at his plant, he says, will turn out more than 46 energy units from ethanol.
"We blow it away," Langley said of his plant compared to traditional gas and coal-fired ethanol plants. "It's a radical departure."
But not one that will reform the entire ethanol industry, or even a large piece of it, said Hartwig. After all, one must have cattle -- and lots of them -- to make plants like the one near Mead work.
"You won't be able to do it everywhere," Hartwig said.
But manure isn't the only source of methane.
Outside Jackson, Neb., Leonard Gill plans on drawing gas from trash. He has tons of it as owner of a regional landfill.
His L.P. Gill Landfill is now dotted with wells that will draw methane gas that, in some cases, has been trapped in the ground for decades.
Pipes will transport the methane to an ethanol plant about a mile away. The methane will provide a portion of the plant's power and could save about $250,000 annually in energy costs, according to officials at the plant.
Before launching his venture, Gill visited landfills in five states where methane was being used to help generate electricity.
Now he talks like an old energy hand and, like others in the burgeoning methane-ethanol business, not without a little bit of pride.
"We can take a waste product and use it as an energy source," Gill said. "I never would have predicted this."
Divorced, Remarriage ask the Tough questions
Ask the tough questions
Utah author Corey Donaldson wrote the book on marriage questions. A book, that is, titled Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! The Book of Questions for Couples (Three Rivers Press, paperback, $12.95). Now divorced, the self-help author notes the irony of his personal life (his forthcoming book, Pricked by the Divorce Proverbs, follows the thread), yet claims he's still a fan of honest conversations.
Donaldson suggests this set of questions, for men or women considering taking marriage vows, no matter how many times they have before.
Advice from the experts
In an effort to improve the quality of Utah relationships, The Tribune consulted Utah-based and national therapists to collect this "greatest hits" of free advice: "No matter who you marry, there are going to be issues, and a lot of people aren't prepared for that," says Victoria Burgess, a Salt Lake therapist who self-published The Survival Guide to Sex and Dating (Victoria Burgess, $11; call 801-359-9255).
Burgess suggests two basic questions as a tool in solving relationship conflicts.
"Ask: 'What can I get you to do to ?,' which lets your partner know you are willing to participate in problem-solving.
The other thing you ask is: 'What are your needs?' and then you listen and don't argue."
"What I would say to someone as they move onto the next relationship is it's really important to look at your behavior instead of focusing on what your previous spouse did wrong," says Scott Haltzman, a Rhode Island psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2006, $14.95), who is inviting happy wives to help him write the companion book at HappilyMarriedWomen.com.
"The trap that we fall into is that we marry and look for that other person to bring us happiness and joy, instead of the other way around, to enter marriage with the expectation and hope of bringing joy to the other person."
For people who have been divorced, whether once or more, Haltzmen recommends Barry and Emily McCarthy's Getting It Right This Time: How to Create a Loving and Lasting Marriage (Routledge, $16.95). "Don't unconsciously put a former partner's face on the new person," says Salt Lake therapist Mitzi Dunford, who advises clients they should know someone at least four seasons - "through all the major holidays, your birthday and their birthday, through dark winter nights" - before getting remarried. "Courtship is the most dishonest time," she says. "We dress up, make sure we don't have stuff in our teeth, but we need to be as real as we possibly can in the beginning stages of a relationship." "People often do repeat patterns," says Mark Owens, a therapist who has practiced in Utah for more than 20 years. "But I think the good thing is you can change, and it doesn't matter how old you are. I've worked with couples in their 60s where there has been robust change. I think my advice is: 'Don't give up. Get help.' "
Utah author Corey Donaldson wrote the book on marriage questions. A book, that is, titled Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! The Book of Questions for Couples (Three Rivers Press, paperback, $12.95). Now divorced, the self-help author notes the irony of his personal life (his forthcoming book, Pricked by the Divorce Proverbs, follows the thread), yet claims he's still a fan of honest conversations.
Donaldson suggests this set of questions, for men or women considering taking marriage vows, no matter how many times they have before.
- 1. If we were to eliminate the physical attraction, what would be left?
- 2. What are you not prepared to sacrifice for this relationship?
- 3. In what ways have we had to divorce a part of ourselves in order for this relationship to work?
- 4. If sex is a reflection of what the rest of our relationship is like, what does that say about our relationship?
- 5. What do you not like about me?
- 6. What issue in our relationship could cause a divorce in the future?
- 7. What warnings would your previous partners give me about you?
- 8. What reasons have previous partners had to not trust you?
- 9. What in your past have you been unwilling to share with me?
- 10. Why should we not be getting married?
Advice from the experts
In an effort to improve the quality of Utah relationships, The Tribune consulted Utah-based and national therapists to collect this "greatest hits" of free advice: "No matter who you marry, there are going to be issues, and a lot of people aren't prepared for that," says Victoria Burgess, a Salt Lake therapist who self-published The Survival Guide to Sex and Dating (Victoria Burgess, $11; call 801-359-9255).
Burgess suggests two basic questions as a tool in solving relationship conflicts.
"Ask: 'What can I get you to do to ?,' which lets your partner know you are willing to participate in problem-solving.
The other thing you ask is: 'What are your needs?' and then you listen and don't argue."
"What I would say to someone as they move onto the next relationship is it's really important to look at your behavior instead of focusing on what your previous spouse did wrong," says Scott Haltzman, a Rhode Island psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2006, $14.95), who is inviting happy wives to help him write the companion book at HappilyMarriedWomen.com.
"The trap that we fall into is that we marry and look for that other person to bring us happiness and joy, instead of the other way around, to enter marriage with the expectation and hope of bringing joy to the other person."
For people who have been divorced, whether once or more, Haltzmen recommends Barry and Emily McCarthy's Getting It Right This Time: How to Create a Loving and Lasting Marriage (Routledge, $16.95). "Don't unconsciously put a former partner's face on the new person," says Salt Lake therapist Mitzi Dunford, who advises clients they should know someone at least four seasons - "through all the major holidays, your birthday and their birthday, through dark winter nights" - before getting remarried. "Courtship is the most dishonest time," she says. "We dress up, make sure we don't have stuff in our teeth, but we need to be as real as we possibly can in the beginning stages of a relationship." "People often do repeat patterns," says Mark Owens, a therapist who has practiced in Utah for more than 20 years. "But I think the good thing is you can change, and it doesn't matter how old you are. I've worked with couples in their 60s where there has been robust change. I think my advice is: 'Don't give up. Get help.' "
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