A Scientific Measure of Emotional Values
By Dr. Douglas Ramm
A little more than 10 years ago, psychologists who work in American universities began offering advice on how to enhance emotional well-being. Virtually all of these professors maintain that the most reliable method for increasing happiness, contentment and satisfaction with life consists of making changes in the way we look at the world. They believe that cultivating a positive attitude, developing a sense of gratitude and maintaining a sense of optimism are all we can do to achieve and maintain emotional well-being.
Nonsense. Those who attempt to enhance their emotional well-being with this approach will end up sadly disappointed. It will not get them where they want to go.
As a practicing clinical psychologist, I am convinced that emotions are always a matter of how we are affected by the things, people and events we encounter in daily life. Looking at what the ivory tower psychologists were telling the public, I saw clearly that real science was needed to discover which things, interpersonal events and conditions of daily life actually contribute to emotional well-being.
I conducted rigorous, scientific research to discover which of these actually make a difference in our overall emotional well-being. It began with a review of what scores of researchers have discovered over nearly 50 years of research into happiness, contentment and satisfaction with life. This research revealed that there are a number of things that are correlated with subjective reports of emotional well-being, irrespective of the gender, race or ethnicity of the person making that report. Since these have natural, intrinsic or inherent worth, we refer to these things as values.
Next, I designed a method to determine which of these values actually have an impact on whether a person is happy, content and satisfied with life. The results of my research revealed that there are 10 values that actually make a difference in terms of whether and to what degree an individual is able to find and hold onto emotional well-being.
Since the following values are the ones that determine real and lasting emotional well-being, I call them the 10 Core Values:
1. Meaningful material objects are the necessities of life, as well as those tangible entities that contribute to a person's contentment and satisfaction in living.
2. Money is cash, credit, stocks, bonds, coupons, insurance benefits or any other object that can be used as a medium of exchange.
3. Affirmation is the experience of being recognized as an adequate, competent, acceptable, desirable and/or lovable human being.
4. Companionship is the experience we have when we share concerns, interests and activities with people whose company we enjoy.
5. Intimacy occurs in relationships that already involve affirmation and companionship. They are where we can also share thoughts, emotions and experiences that could be embarrassing or lead to ridicule or rejection, but the other person in the relationship continues to remain affirming.
6. Health is the state of physical and mental well-being, which is characterized by the absence of disease, disability and pain.
7. A rewarding occupation is one where we enjoy the tasks involved, are competent at performing those tasks and experience a sense of accomplishment from a job well done.
8. Rewarding recreation is a sense of renewal obtained from an activity pursued for the mere joy or pleasure it provides and which allows us to return to the tasks of living refreshed and renewed.
9. Freedom is the ability to do what we want to do when we want to do it. It includes liberty as well as the ability to think freely, to express our own ideas and to initiate courses of action without the fear that engaging in personally fulfilling behavior will prompt some unjustified verbal or physical aggression in response.
10. Security is physical safety as well as confidence in our ability to obtain or maintain the other nine core values.
A self test is available at http://www.theformulaforhappiness.com/gels.shtml
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The lists on Relationships!
On Love and Relationships
The ten types of relationship that won't work:
1. You care about your partner more than he does about you.
2. Your partner cares more about you than you do about him.
3. You are in love with your partner's potential.
4. You are on a rescue mission.
5. You look up to your partner as a role model.
6. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
7. You have partial compatibility.
8. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
9. You choose a partner as a reaction to your previous partner.
10. Your partner is unavailable.
The six BIGGEST mistakes we make in the beginning of a relationship:
1. We don't ask enough questions.
2. We ignore warning signs of potential problems.
3. We make premature compromises.
4. We give in to Lust Blindness.
5. We give in to material seduction.
6. We put Commitment Before Compatibility.
Seven Wrong Reasons to be in a Relationship:
1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc.)
2. Loneliness and desperation
3. Sexual hunger
4. Distraction from your own life
5. To avoid growing up
6. Guilt
7. To fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness.
The Lust into Love Formula
1. First, you feel powerful sexual chemistry with someone or, in raw terms,lust. 2. Next, you act on those urges and have sex with that person.
3. Then you experience some guilt or discomfort having been so sexually intimate with someone you aren't that emotionally connected with.
4. Finally you create a relationship with that person to legitimize your lust.
Five Realities about Love
1. Love is not enough to make a relationship work -it needs compatibility and it needs commitment.
2. It just takes a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time.
3. It is possible to experience true love with more than one person -there are many potential partners you could be happy with.
4. The right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.
5. Good sex has nothing to do with true love, but making love does.
Five Deadly Myths about Love
1. True love conquers all.
2. When it's really true love, you will know it the moment you meet the other person.
3. There is only one true love in the world who is right for you.
4. The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way.
5. When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love.
Fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner:
1. Addictions.
2. Anger.
3. Victim consciousness.
4. Control freak
5. Sexual Dysfunction.
6. Hasn't grown up.
7. Emotionally unavailable.
8. Hasn't recovered from past relationships.
9. Emotional damage from childhood.
Here are seven compatibility time bombs that can destroy a relationship:
1. Significant age difference.
2. Different religious background.
3. Different social, ethnic, or educational background.
4. Toxic in-laws.
5. Toxic ex-spouse.
6. Toxic Stepchildren.
7. Long-distance relationships.
Six qualities to look for in a mate:
1. Commitment to personal growth.
2. Emotional openness
3. Integrity
4. Maturity and responsibility
5. High self-esteem.
6. Positive Attitude towards life
The ten types of relationship that won't work:
1. You care about your partner more than he does about you.
2. Your partner cares more about you than you do about him.
3. You are in love with your partner's potential.
4. You are on a rescue mission.
5. You look up to your partner as a role model.
6. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
7. You have partial compatibility.
8. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
9. You choose a partner as a reaction to your previous partner.
10. Your partner is unavailable.
The six BIGGEST mistakes we make in the beginning of a relationship:
1. We don't ask enough questions.
2. We ignore warning signs of potential problems.
3. We make premature compromises.
4. We give in to Lust Blindness.
5. We give in to material seduction.
6. We put Commitment Before Compatibility.
Seven Wrong Reasons to be in a Relationship:
1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc.)
2. Loneliness and desperation
3. Sexual hunger
4. Distraction from your own life
5. To avoid growing up
6. Guilt
7. To fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness.
The Lust into Love Formula
1. First, you feel powerful sexual chemistry with someone or, in raw terms,lust. 2. Next, you act on those urges and have sex with that person.
3. Then you experience some guilt or discomfort having been so sexually intimate with someone you aren't that emotionally connected with.
4. Finally you create a relationship with that person to legitimize your lust.
Five Realities about Love
1. Love is not enough to make a relationship work -it needs compatibility and it needs commitment.
2. It just takes a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time.
3. It is possible to experience true love with more than one person -there are many potential partners you could be happy with.
4. The right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.
5. Good sex has nothing to do with true love, but making love does.
Five Deadly Myths about Love
1. True love conquers all.
2. When it's really true love, you will know it the moment you meet the other person.
3. There is only one true love in the world who is right for you.
4. The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way.
5. When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love.
Fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner:
1. Addictions.
2. Anger.
3. Victim consciousness.
4. Control freak
5. Sexual Dysfunction.
6. Hasn't grown up.
7. Emotionally unavailable.
8. Hasn't recovered from past relationships.
9. Emotional damage from childhood.
Here are seven compatibility time bombs that can destroy a relationship:
1. Significant age difference.
2. Different religious background.
3. Different social, ethnic, or educational background.
4. Toxic in-laws.
5. Toxic ex-spouse.
6. Toxic Stepchildren.
7. Long-distance relationships.
Six qualities to look for in a mate:
1. Commitment to personal growth.
2. Emotional openness
3. Integrity
4. Maturity and responsibility
5. High self-esteem.
6. Positive Attitude towards life
Thursday, September 6, 2007
16 Favorite Rules of Thumb on Money
16 favorite money rules of thumb
Here they are, plain and simple. Follow these guidelines and your finances -- and nerves -- will be in pretty good shape.
By Liz Pulliam Weston
Sometimes, you just want an answer.
"Can I afford a new car?" "How much should I be saving for retirement?" "What's the best way to pay off debt?" "What's the right credit card for me?"
If you're a patient, detail-oriented type, you may be willing to sit still for an exhaustive lecture on any of the above subjects. If you're like most of us -- overworked, sleep deprived and in a hurry -- you'd rather skip the whole dreary "on the one hand this, on the other that" analysis.
So I've cut to the chase and compiled a list of my 16 favorite money rules of thumb.
These are, of course, just guidelines. By definition, rules of thumb aren't meant to be immutable laws or applicable in every situation. But hopefully these broad, easy-to-understand principals will at least give you a starting point for assessing what to do in your own financial situation.
Retirement, Part I: "Save 10% for basics, 15% for comfort, 20% to escape." This rule of thumb works pretty well if you start to save for retirement by your early 30s. Saving at least 10% of your income ensures you won't be eating pet food. Fifteen percent should get you a more comfortable living, while 20% gives you a shot at an early retirement (and yes, you get to count employer contributions as part of your percentage). Wait just a decade to start, though, and you'll need 15% for basics and 20% for comfort; an early retirement may not be in the cards. For a more customized estimate of how much you need to save, check out MSN Money's Retirement Planner.
Retirement, Part II: "Retirement money is for retirement; until then, keep your mitts off it." There's rarely a good reason to borrow against your retirement accounts, and almost never a reasonable excuse for cashing them out. Look elsewhere to find money to pay your debts or buy a home. Let your retirement money keep working for you undisturbed. Someday, you'll be glad you did.
Student loans: "Your total borrowing shouldn't exceed what you expect to make your first year out of school." Many graduates have learned to their chagrin that student lenders will gladly loan you far more money than you can comfortably repay. Students and parents need to put their own limits on how deeply they go into debt, or they could face a literal lifetime of student-loan payments. Read "How much college debt is too much?" for more details.
College savings: "Saving for retirement is more important, but try to put at least $25 a month per kid in a college savings plan." Your child can get student loans, but no one will lend you money for retirement. That's why retirement comes first. But contributing even a small amount each month will help reduce the amount of debt your child eventually incurs. Thanks to recent tax law changes and reductions in fees, 529 college-savings plans have emerged as the best way for most parents to save. To learn more, read "How Uncle Sam wants you to save for college."
Cars, Part I: "Buy used and drive it for at least 10 years." This one rule of thumb easily could save you tens of thousands of dollars over your lifetime compared with what you would pay buying cars new and owning them just five years. Not only will you buy half as many cars, but you'll avoid the 20% or so loss to depreciation that happens as soon as you drive a new car off the lot. Today's cars are better built and will last longer than ever before, so buying used isn't the gamble it used to be.
Cars, Part II: "If you must borrow to buy a car, follow the 20/4/10 rule." Which means: Make a 20% down payment, don't borrow for more than four years and don't agree to a monthly payment that's more than 10% of your income -- or 8% if you plan to buy a home in the next few years. A substantial down payment ensures you'll have equity in your car when you drive off the lot -- which is important, since owing more on your car than its worth can leave you financially vulnerable if the vehicle is totaled or stolen. (Read "The real reason you're broke" and "Close the gap in your car insurance" for more details.) Limiting the loan term and monthly payment will keep you from overspending.
Cars, Part III: "To compute and compare the real monthly cost to buy, insure and operate a car, double the price tag and divide by 60." You can get more precise figures about how much a car will cost over five years by using Edmunds.com's "True Cost to Own" calculator. But this rule of thumb will help you determine if that car you think is affordable actually will be once all costs are factored in.
Credit cards: "If you carry a balance, look for the lowest rate. If you don't, get rewards at least equal to 1.5% of what you spend." Your primary goal if you carry credit card balances should be paying them off as quickly as possible. That means avoiding reward cards, which tend to have higher interest rates, in favor of the lowest-rate card for which you qualify, given your credit history. But if you already pay off your balances in full every month, you should look for cards that give you cash back or reward equal to 1.5% or more of your spending (read "People who charge everything" for more details). Sites like CardRatings.com and Bankrate.com can help you sort through the offers.
Debt repayment: "Pay off maxed-out cards first." When paying down credit card debt, the argument used to be between those who advocated paying the highest-rate card first (to save the most money) and those who argued for paying the smallest balance first (for a faster feeling of accomplishment that can motivate you to keep going). These days, though, you should first tackle any card that's close to its limit, since maxing out cards hurts your credit scores and can trigger penalty rates and fees.
Financial flexibility: "You need to be able to get your hands on cash or credit equal to three months' worth of expenses." Ideally, everybody would have at least three months' worth of expenses saved up in cash to serve as a cushion against job loss or other disasters. But saving that much money can take a while, as I wrote in "The $0 emergency fund," and many families have more important priorities to address first. Space on your credit cards and an unused home equity line of credit can be used as stand-ins for a real emergency fund until you can get around to saving the cash.
Insurance: "Cover yourself for catastrophic expenses, not the stuff you can cover out of pocket." Insurance isn't meant to cover the normal expenses of daily living, as I wrote in "3 costly myths about insurance." It's designed to bail you out when you face expenses so big they might otherwise wipe you out financially. That's why you want high limits on your policies -- but high deductibles, too.
Life insurance: "Those who need it typically need five to 10 times their income." Most people need to answer only two questions about insurance: "Do I need it?" and, if the answer is yes, "How much do I need?" You probably need life insurance if other people are financially dependent on you. You probably don't if you're single or your kids are grown. If you do need life insurance, the most important thing is to buy enough. Term or "pure" insurance is usually the way to go, since insurance that includes an investment component can be as much as 10 times more costly -- busting most families' budgets. The five- to 10-times-income rule is a pretty broad guideline, so you'll want to use MSN Money's Life Insurance Needs Estimator for a more precise fix.
Mortgages, Part I. "If you can't afford to buy the house using a 30-year fixed-rate mortgage, you can't afford the house." There are good reasons for choosing less traditional loans, but buying a house you couldn't otherwise afford isn't one of them. Too many people today are facing foreclosure because they used an adjustable or interest-only loan to buy too much house for their means. Read "Who's at most risk for foreclosure?" for the grim details.
Mortgages, Part II. "Fix the rate for at least as long as you plan to be in the home." Lenders, brokers or real-estate agents may tout the low, low payments of adjustable-rate loans, but sooner or later those payments will jump -- sometimes substantially. Protect your family and your investment by opting for a loan with a fixed-rate period that matches how long you expect to live there. If you're sure you'll move in five years, for example, a five-year hybrid is a good option. If you think you'll stay put for 10 years or more, you might just go for the certainty of the 30-year fixed.
Mortgages, Part III: "You almost certainly have better things to do with your money than prepay a low-rate, deductible mortgage." People get excited about how much interest they can save by making extra mortgage payments. What they don't realize is that they can get a much better return elsewhere. Don't consider prepaying your mortgage until you're taking full advantage of your retirement savings options and have paid off all your other debt. Read "Don't rush to pay off that mortgage" for more details.
Priorities: "Retirement, then credit cards, then emergency fund." Your highest priority, typically, should be saving for retirement, since every dollar you fail to save today could cost you $10 or more in lost retirement income. (The younger you are, the more you'll lose by not tucking money away now.) Also, opportunities to get a 401(k) match or to fund an IRA or Roth IRA are typically "use it or lose it" propositions. Dispatching credit card debt should be your next highest priority, since it's probably accumulating at double-digit interest rates and reducing your financial flexibility (see above). Finally, an emergency fund equal to three to six months' worth of expenses can be a bulwark against the inevitable setbacks life sends us -- job loss, disability, illness, accidents, natural disasters. Having a pile of cash in a high-rate savings account can also do wonders for reducing your money anxieties.
by Liz Pulliam Weston, Published June 28, 2007
Here they are, plain and simple. Follow these guidelines and your finances -- and nerves -- will be in pretty good shape.
By Liz Pulliam Weston
Sometimes, you just want an answer.
"Can I afford a new car?" "How much should I be saving for retirement?" "What's the best way to pay off debt?" "What's the right credit card for me?"
If you're a patient, detail-oriented type, you may be willing to sit still for an exhaustive lecture on any of the above subjects. If you're like most of us -- overworked, sleep deprived and in a hurry -- you'd rather skip the whole dreary "on the one hand this, on the other that" analysis.
So I've cut to the chase and compiled a list of my 16 favorite money rules of thumb.
These are, of course, just guidelines. By definition, rules of thumb aren't meant to be immutable laws or applicable in every situation. But hopefully these broad, easy-to-understand principals will at least give you a starting point for assessing what to do in your own financial situation.
Retirement, Part I: "Save 10% for basics, 15% for comfort, 20% to escape." This rule of thumb works pretty well if you start to save for retirement by your early 30s. Saving at least 10% of your income ensures you won't be eating pet food. Fifteen percent should get you a more comfortable living, while 20% gives you a shot at an early retirement (and yes, you get to count employer contributions as part of your percentage). Wait just a decade to start, though, and you'll need 15% for basics and 20% for comfort; an early retirement may not be in the cards. For a more customized estimate of how much you need to save, check out MSN Money's Retirement Planner.
Retirement, Part II: "Retirement money is for retirement; until then, keep your mitts off it." There's rarely a good reason to borrow against your retirement accounts, and almost never a reasonable excuse for cashing them out. Look elsewhere to find money to pay your debts or buy a home. Let your retirement money keep working for you undisturbed. Someday, you'll be glad you did.
Student loans: "Your total borrowing shouldn't exceed what you expect to make your first year out of school." Many graduates have learned to their chagrin that student lenders will gladly loan you far more money than you can comfortably repay. Students and parents need to put their own limits on how deeply they go into debt, or they could face a literal lifetime of student-loan payments. Read "How much college debt is too much?" for more details.
College savings: "Saving for retirement is more important, but try to put at least $25 a month per kid in a college savings plan." Your child can get student loans, but no one will lend you money for retirement. That's why retirement comes first. But contributing even a small amount each month will help reduce the amount of debt your child eventually incurs. Thanks to recent tax law changes and reductions in fees, 529 college-savings plans have emerged as the best way for most parents to save. To learn more, read "How Uncle Sam wants you to save for college."
Cars, Part I: "Buy used and drive it for at least 10 years." This one rule of thumb easily could save you tens of thousands of dollars over your lifetime compared with what you would pay buying cars new and owning them just five years. Not only will you buy half as many cars, but you'll avoid the 20% or so loss to depreciation that happens as soon as you drive a new car off the lot. Today's cars are better built and will last longer than ever before, so buying used isn't the gamble it used to be.
Cars, Part II: "If you must borrow to buy a car, follow the 20/4/10 rule." Which means: Make a 20% down payment, don't borrow for more than four years and don't agree to a monthly payment that's more than 10% of your income -- or 8% if you plan to buy a home in the next few years. A substantial down payment ensures you'll have equity in your car when you drive off the lot -- which is important, since owing more on your car than its worth can leave you financially vulnerable if the vehicle is totaled or stolen. (Read "The real reason you're broke" and "Close the gap in your car insurance" for more details.) Limiting the loan term and monthly payment will keep you from overspending.
Cars, Part III: "To compute and compare the real monthly cost to buy, insure and operate a car, double the price tag and divide by 60." You can get more precise figures about how much a car will cost over five years by using Edmunds.com's "True Cost to Own" calculator. But this rule of thumb will help you determine if that car you think is affordable actually will be once all costs are factored in.
Credit cards: "If you carry a balance, look for the lowest rate. If you don't, get rewards at least equal to 1.5% of what you spend." Your primary goal if you carry credit card balances should be paying them off as quickly as possible. That means avoiding reward cards, which tend to have higher interest rates, in favor of the lowest-rate card for which you qualify, given your credit history. But if you already pay off your balances in full every month, you should look for cards that give you cash back or reward equal to 1.5% or more of your spending (read "People who charge everything" for more details). Sites like CardRatings.com and Bankrate.com can help you sort through the offers.
Debt repayment: "Pay off maxed-out cards first." When paying down credit card debt, the argument used to be between those who advocated paying the highest-rate card first (to save the most money) and those who argued for paying the smallest balance first (for a faster feeling of accomplishment that can motivate you to keep going). These days, though, you should first tackle any card that's close to its limit, since maxing out cards hurts your credit scores and can trigger penalty rates and fees.
Financial flexibility: "You need to be able to get your hands on cash or credit equal to three months' worth of expenses." Ideally, everybody would have at least three months' worth of expenses saved up in cash to serve as a cushion against job loss or other disasters. But saving that much money can take a while, as I wrote in "The $0 emergency fund," and many families have more important priorities to address first. Space on your credit cards and an unused home equity line of credit can be used as stand-ins for a real emergency fund until you can get around to saving the cash.
Insurance: "Cover yourself for catastrophic expenses, not the stuff you can cover out of pocket." Insurance isn't meant to cover the normal expenses of daily living, as I wrote in "3 costly myths about insurance." It's designed to bail you out when you face expenses so big they might otherwise wipe you out financially. That's why you want high limits on your policies -- but high deductibles, too.
Life insurance: "Those who need it typically need five to 10 times their income." Most people need to answer only two questions about insurance: "Do I need it?" and, if the answer is yes, "How much do I need?" You probably need life insurance if other people are financially dependent on you. You probably don't if you're single or your kids are grown. If you do need life insurance, the most important thing is to buy enough. Term or "pure" insurance is usually the way to go, since insurance that includes an investment component can be as much as 10 times more costly -- busting most families' budgets. The five- to 10-times-income rule is a pretty broad guideline, so you'll want to use MSN Money's Life Insurance Needs Estimator for a more precise fix.
Mortgages, Part I. "If you can't afford to buy the house using a 30-year fixed-rate mortgage, you can't afford the house." There are good reasons for choosing less traditional loans, but buying a house you couldn't otherwise afford isn't one of them. Too many people today are facing foreclosure because they used an adjustable or interest-only loan to buy too much house for their means. Read "Who's at most risk for foreclosure?" for the grim details.
Mortgages, Part II. "Fix the rate for at least as long as you plan to be in the home." Lenders, brokers or real-estate agents may tout the low, low payments of adjustable-rate loans, but sooner or later those payments will jump -- sometimes substantially. Protect your family and your investment by opting for a loan with a fixed-rate period that matches how long you expect to live there. If you're sure you'll move in five years, for example, a five-year hybrid is a good option. If you think you'll stay put for 10 years or more, you might just go for the certainty of the 30-year fixed.
Mortgages, Part III: "You almost certainly have better things to do with your money than prepay a low-rate, deductible mortgage." People get excited about how much interest they can save by making extra mortgage payments. What they don't realize is that they can get a much better return elsewhere. Don't consider prepaying your mortgage until you're taking full advantage of your retirement savings options and have paid off all your other debt. Read "Don't rush to pay off that mortgage" for more details.
Priorities: "Retirement, then credit cards, then emergency fund." Your highest priority, typically, should be saving for retirement, since every dollar you fail to save today could cost you $10 or more in lost retirement income. (The younger you are, the more you'll lose by not tucking money away now.) Also, opportunities to get a 401(k) match or to fund an IRA or Roth IRA are typically "use it or lose it" propositions. Dispatching credit card debt should be your next highest priority, since it's probably accumulating at double-digit interest rates and reducing your financial flexibility (see above). Finally, an emergency fund equal to three to six months' worth of expenses can be a bulwark against the inevitable setbacks life sends us -- job loss, disability, illness, accidents, natural disasters. Having a pile of cash in a high-rate savings account can also do wonders for reducing your money anxieties.
by Liz Pulliam Weston, Published June 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Five Myths That Can Hurt Your Marriage
Many people have grown up with misconceptions of what it takes to make a marriage work. The following five incorrect beliefs can damage your marriage.
Myth 1: Your spouse should automatically know what you need and want.This is a prevalent myth among many spouses who believe if a partner really loves them, the partner should instinctively and intuitively know what their needs and wants are. And, of course, the partner should take immediate action to satisfy them. Hurt feelings and anger accumulates when the partner doesn’t figure out without being told what is expected of him (or her).
Traci was really tired when she finally got home late from a long day in the office. She was looking forward to spending some time with her husband Alex to get some sympathy, cuddling, and nurturing—and perhaps a back rub or a foot massage to help her sleep better. Alex, on the other hand, was clueless about Traci’s expectations and after greeting her, went back to watching a football game on TV.
Alex didn’t realize there was a problem. He thought that he was being helpful by giving Traci time and space to wind down after a long day. Traci found herself fuming as the rest of the evening progressed, but she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want Alex to spend time with her if he didn’t really want to. In her mind, whatever efforts he might make to nurture her wouldn’t count if he didn’t think of it himself.
Healthier Approach: Share your needs and wants directly with your spouse. Don’t make her (or him) second guess you or try to read your mind. Practice speaking up and saying “I’ve had a grueling day and really need a back rub. Could you give me one?”
Myth 2: If your spouse would change his (or her) behavior, you’d be happy and you could have a happy marriage.
This premise of this myth is that a spouse has to change before the partner can be happy and enjoy a happy marriage. It sounds simple enough. When the other person gets it together to become healthier and to change, then the marriage will improve by leaps and bounds.
In the meantime, the partner can only wait and hope that one day the spouse will “see the light.” This, of course, puts the partner in the role of helpless victim whose very happiness depends on what the spouse decides to do. His (or her) present and future happiness is in the hands of the spouse.
Buying into this myth lets the partner off the hot seat so that he (or she) doesn’t have to actually do anything except blame the spouse and wait to see if she changes. It’s a passive role that lets the partner sit back and avoid the challenge of working on himself (or herself).
Alex was getting irritated with Traci coming home late every evening from work. She said she had to get a big project done, but Alex couldn’t help thinking she could leave earlier if she really wanted to.
They used to meet at the gym after work to work out together, but now Alex found himself working out alone with increasing anger. He started blaming Traci for his unhappiness and for the stress her overtime at work was putting on the marriage. “If she would just come home on time, we could be happy again,” he thought.
Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to being happy whether or not your spouse ever changes. After all, you can’t give what you don’t have inside, so if you’re not happy yourself, you can’t create a happy marriage. Work on changing yourself to be the kind of partner you wish you had.
Myth 3: You should always put your spouse’s needs first to be a good partner.
The word “should” is often a red flag that indicates problems ahead. Who said you “should” always put your partner’s needs first? Someone who told you that you’d be considered selfish if you didn’t? Someone who wanted you to feel guilty if you didn’t accept their viewpoint?
In reality, it’s not healthy to always put other people’s needs before your own—no matter who the other person is. Doing so indicates a lack of respect for yourself, your time, your needs, and your goals.
You can value your own needs without being selfish or overbearing. Many times spouses can find a creative way to meet the needs of both of them if they spend some time brainstorming and problem-solving. But that won’t happen if one spouse automatically devalues her (or his) needs and goes along with whatever the partner proposes.
Traci always let Alex play golf with his friends on Saturdays while she stayed with their one-year-old daughter. Even though there were things she'd been wanting to do for months in what little free time she had, she always thought she was doing the right thing to suppress her own needs in favor of letting Alex enjoy himself.
Finally, after months of denying herself, she finally had enough. She blew up at Alex at a seemingly insignificant provocation. She accused him of being selfish in always playing golf while she stayed at home. Alex was baffled. Traci had never hinted that there was a problem.
Healthier Approach: Show respect for yourself by valuing yourself and your needs and preferences. Become more aware of when you treat your partner’s needs as more important than your own. Marriage is about compromise and both people getting their needs met at least part of the time. If you don’t value yourself, others won’t, either.
Myth 4: Your spouse should always contribute 50% to the marriage.
It sounds good in theory, but in reality marriage hardly ever turns out to be as neatly divided as this myth implies. Over time, there should be some balance of sorts, but the effort and time expended by each partner may never be completely equal.
There are many times when one spouse or the other carries most of the load or makes most of the effort in a marriage. Perhaps one spouse works out of town during the week or is clinically depressed. A spouse may be chronically ill, in physical pain, or busy pursuing a college degree. Or one spouse may handle the majority of the child care.
In these cases, the spouse who is keeping the marriage going may be contributing 80% to the marriage while the partner weighs in at only 20%. In time, the balance may shift in other ways to even out the load more, or the partners may exchange places. Instead of trying to keep everything equal on a daily basis, look at the overview and focus on the bigger picture.
Traci felt guilty when she decided to take college classes two nights a week after work. She knew this meant Alex had to carry a heavier load of chores, housework, and errands while she studied and attended classes. While Alex was supportive and didn’t complain, Traci knew he was giving more of himself to keep the marriage going than she was.
Five years later, Alex decided he wanted to change jobs and accept a more challenging, better-paying position that required him to travel during the week. All of a sudden, Traci found herself giving much more time and energy than Alex to keeping the marital relationship going. She remembered Alex’s support of her when she was pursuing her college degree and was glad to be able to give to him in return.
Healthier Approach: Think in terms of giving a 100% effort to your marriage when needed. If both you and your spouse are each giving 100%, then you’ll be in a positive place to handle the extra stress that problems and unforeseen challenges can bring.
Myth 5: Your goal is to have a peaceful marriage with as few disagreements as possible.
Over the years, I have heard many couples brag that they never fight and hardly ever argue. When this happens, I know that most likely one spouse or the other has been trying to keep accumulated anger, frustration, and resentment in an emotional “closet” with the door shut. This only works for so long and then the closet door bursts open and all the heightened emotions spill out to contaminate the marital relationship.
The goal is not to have a marriage with no arguments or disagreements. The goal is to find a way to disagree without being disagreeable or disrespectful to each other. When anger and resentments are buried in a relationship, the passion is also snuffed out in the emotional debris.
Some lukewarm marriages could benefit from more open disagreements, heated arguments, and strongly stated viewpoints and opinions. At least then the partners would be both engaged in the relationship instead of letting it silently die off.
Alex had been brought up in a family that avoided confrontations. He decided early on in his marriage to Traci that he didn’t want a marriage filled with conflict and arguments. When Traci felt strongly about something, Alex would generally just go along with her to keep the peace, even if he didn’t really want to.
He hesitated to rock the boat by disagreeing and almost always hid his true feelings from Traci. Their friends all remarked about how well Alex and Traci always got along, and Alex and Traci enjoyed telling others that they never argued or disagreed. The marriage was calm and peaceful, but the passion gradually faded away and left a feeling of blandness and emptiness behind.
Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to express your real opinions, needs, and preferences to your spouse. If you are afraid of your spouse’s anger, schedule a counseling session to discuss your concerns with a therapist present to mediate. You may need to develop a set of “fair fighting rules” with the help of the counselor in order to feel safe in speaking up at home.
Myth 1: Your spouse should automatically know what you need and want.This is a prevalent myth among many spouses who believe if a partner really loves them, the partner should instinctively and intuitively know what their needs and wants are. And, of course, the partner should take immediate action to satisfy them. Hurt feelings and anger accumulates when the partner doesn’t figure out without being told what is expected of him (or her).
Traci was really tired when she finally got home late from a long day in the office. She was looking forward to spending some time with her husband Alex to get some sympathy, cuddling, and nurturing—and perhaps a back rub or a foot massage to help her sleep better. Alex, on the other hand, was clueless about Traci’s expectations and after greeting her, went back to watching a football game on TV.
Alex didn’t realize there was a problem. He thought that he was being helpful by giving Traci time and space to wind down after a long day. Traci found herself fuming as the rest of the evening progressed, but she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want Alex to spend time with her if he didn’t really want to. In her mind, whatever efforts he might make to nurture her wouldn’t count if he didn’t think of it himself.
Healthier Approach: Share your needs and wants directly with your spouse. Don’t make her (or him) second guess you or try to read your mind. Practice speaking up and saying “I’ve had a grueling day and really need a back rub. Could you give me one?”
Myth 2: If your spouse would change his (or her) behavior, you’d be happy and you could have a happy marriage.
This premise of this myth is that a spouse has to change before the partner can be happy and enjoy a happy marriage. It sounds simple enough. When the other person gets it together to become healthier and to change, then the marriage will improve by leaps and bounds.
In the meantime, the partner can only wait and hope that one day the spouse will “see the light.” This, of course, puts the partner in the role of helpless victim whose very happiness depends on what the spouse decides to do. His (or her) present and future happiness is in the hands of the spouse.
Buying into this myth lets the partner off the hot seat so that he (or she) doesn’t have to actually do anything except blame the spouse and wait to see if she changes. It’s a passive role that lets the partner sit back and avoid the challenge of working on himself (or herself).
Alex was getting irritated with Traci coming home late every evening from work. She said she had to get a big project done, but Alex couldn’t help thinking she could leave earlier if she really wanted to.
They used to meet at the gym after work to work out together, but now Alex found himself working out alone with increasing anger. He started blaming Traci for his unhappiness and for the stress her overtime at work was putting on the marriage. “If she would just come home on time, we could be happy again,” he thought.
Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to being happy whether or not your spouse ever changes. After all, you can’t give what you don’t have inside, so if you’re not happy yourself, you can’t create a happy marriage. Work on changing yourself to be the kind of partner you wish you had.
Myth 3: You should always put your spouse’s needs first to be a good partner.
The word “should” is often a red flag that indicates problems ahead. Who said you “should” always put your partner’s needs first? Someone who told you that you’d be considered selfish if you didn’t? Someone who wanted you to feel guilty if you didn’t accept their viewpoint?
In reality, it’s not healthy to always put other people’s needs before your own—no matter who the other person is. Doing so indicates a lack of respect for yourself, your time, your needs, and your goals.
You can value your own needs without being selfish or overbearing. Many times spouses can find a creative way to meet the needs of both of them if they spend some time brainstorming and problem-solving. But that won’t happen if one spouse automatically devalues her (or his) needs and goes along with whatever the partner proposes.
Traci always let Alex play golf with his friends on Saturdays while she stayed with their one-year-old daughter. Even though there were things she'd been wanting to do for months in what little free time she had, she always thought she was doing the right thing to suppress her own needs in favor of letting Alex enjoy himself.
Finally, after months of denying herself, she finally had enough. She blew up at Alex at a seemingly insignificant provocation. She accused him of being selfish in always playing golf while she stayed at home. Alex was baffled. Traci had never hinted that there was a problem.
Healthier Approach: Show respect for yourself by valuing yourself and your needs and preferences. Become more aware of when you treat your partner’s needs as more important than your own. Marriage is about compromise and both people getting their needs met at least part of the time. If you don’t value yourself, others won’t, either.
Myth 4: Your spouse should always contribute 50% to the marriage.
It sounds good in theory, but in reality marriage hardly ever turns out to be as neatly divided as this myth implies. Over time, there should be some balance of sorts, but the effort and time expended by each partner may never be completely equal.
There are many times when one spouse or the other carries most of the load or makes most of the effort in a marriage. Perhaps one spouse works out of town during the week or is clinically depressed. A spouse may be chronically ill, in physical pain, or busy pursuing a college degree. Or one spouse may handle the majority of the child care.
In these cases, the spouse who is keeping the marriage going may be contributing 80% to the marriage while the partner weighs in at only 20%. In time, the balance may shift in other ways to even out the load more, or the partners may exchange places. Instead of trying to keep everything equal on a daily basis, look at the overview and focus on the bigger picture.
Traci felt guilty when she decided to take college classes two nights a week after work. She knew this meant Alex had to carry a heavier load of chores, housework, and errands while she studied and attended classes. While Alex was supportive and didn’t complain, Traci knew he was giving more of himself to keep the marriage going than she was.
Five years later, Alex decided he wanted to change jobs and accept a more challenging, better-paying position that required him to travel during the week. All of a sudden, Traci found herself giving much more time and energy than Alex to keeping the marital relationship going. She remembered Alex’s support of her when she was pursuing her college degree and was glad to be able to give to him in return.
Healthier Approach: Think in terms of giving a 100% effort to your marriage when needed. If both you and your spouse are each giving 100%, then you’ll be in a positive place to handle the extra stress that problems and unforeseen challenges can bring.
Myth 5: Your goal is to have a peaceful marriage with as few disagreements as possible.
Over the years, I have heard many couples brag that they never fight and hardly ever argue. When this happens, I know that most likely one spouse or the other has been trying to keep accumulated anger, frustration, and resentment in an emotional “closet” with the door shut. This only works for so long and then the closet door bursts open and all the heightened emotions spill out to contaminate the marital relationship.
The goal is not to have a marriage with no arguments or disagreements. The goal is to find a way to disagree without being disagreeable or disrespectful to each other. When anger and resentments are buried in a relationship, the passion is also snuffed out in the emotional debris.
Some lukewarm marriages could benefit from more open disagreements, heated arguments, and strongly stated viewpoints and opinions. At least then the partners would be both engaged in the relationship instead of letting it silently die off.
Alex had been brought up in a family that avoided confrontations. He decided early on in his marriage to Traci that he didn’t want a marriage filled with conflict and arguments. When Traci felt strongly about something, Alex would generally just go along with her to keep the peace, even if he didn’t really want to.
He hesitated to rock the boat by disagreeing and almost always hid his true feelings from Traci. Their friends all remarked about how well Alex and Traci always got along, and Alex and Traci enjoyed telling others that they never argued or disagreed. The marriage was calm and peaceful, but the passion gradually faded away and left a feeling of blandness and emptiness behind.
Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to express your real opinions, needs, and preferences to your spouse. If you are afraid of your spouse’s anger, schedule a counseling session to discuss your concerns with a therapist present to mediate. You may need to develop a set of “fair fighting rules” with the help of the counselor in order to feel safe in speaking up at home.
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