awareness of your choices helps a relationship, think before responding in anger

Why Awareness of Your Choices Can
Help Your Relationship
By Lee Hefner

In the range of trials that married couples experience, one of the most devastating that can have long-term consequences to the marriage is a fight between the spouses.

When a couple has a disagreement, each partner has a differing view on a topic and often tries to convince the other to change his or her opinion or position. But if the couple can’t find common ground, tempers may flair.

At this point, one spouse may say or do something that triggers an emotional outburst from the partner. If the partner responds by in turn pressing the hot buttons of the spouse, an escalating spiral of conflict can result.

The result is a roadblock to emotional intimacy that can last far longer than the fight itself. Over time, if the couple repeats this pattern too often, the relationship is headed for trouble. And if the couple doesn’t know how to recover from the hurt feelings and smoldering resentment such arguments often produce, a little bit of the marriage dies.

Sadly, this common scenario too often results in marriage separation and divorce for couples who never learn to reverse the downward spiral.

But it doesn’t have to happen.

What Happens When a Couple Argues?

If you’ve ever had a heated argument with your spouse, you can relate to how quickly you are taken over by your reactive emotions. And you may have found that if you respond in anger when your mate pushes your buttons, it’s very easy to say something that will cause your spouse to get defensive as well.

In this way, what may begin initially as a small issue, may grow out of proportion as emotions come into play. We hear upset spouses say, “He pushes my buttons and makes me lose my temper.”

This is an easy argument to believe. Most of us have bought into it at some point in our lives. And yet, if you stay in this belief you are giving away one of the most precious things that you possess—your freedom of choice.

Are you wondering what this means?

If so, consider the following excerpt from our book, Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!”

Viktor Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who, during World War II, was placed in a concentration camp by the Nazis. Frankl later wrote that the main factor that helped him survive the experience was the recognition that he alone controlled his attitude.

Even when his captors tortured him, Frankl kept his mind focused on the outcome that he wanted rather than on the experience he was going through at the time.

After the war, in his classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl described the basic choice people have in determining how they react to events in their lives. The essence of what Frankl said was that no matter what happens, we always have options in how we choose to respond.

So even when it doesn’t seem you have any options or control, you still have a choice about something—that is, how you react and what your attitude will be.

In dealing with a disagreement, most people go through tremendous emotional stress. When you’re stressed, you become hypersensitive to what you perceive as negative or critical remarks from others, especially a spouse.

In a nutshell, it’s very easy for your partner to push your buttons at these times. We’ve heard people in this situation say, “I try to keep my cool when I talk to her, but she makes me lose my temper.” In actuality, no one else can “make” you lose your temper. That is your choice.

The challenge [when you’re dealing with the conflict in your marriage], and the opportunity, is to realize that between the stimulus of your partner’s critical remarks and your angry response, there’s a gap in which you can make a decision.

[To watch a presentation on this theme, see our free inspirational movie Seasons of Love.]

You can decide to react defensively, or you can think about your future. Think about the stakeholders in your relationship—yourself, your kids, and your spouse. Then take responsibility for how you act, and compose your response accordingly.

To think of an analogy, it’s easier to extinguish a fire when it’s a burning match instead of a forest fire. In a similar vein, it’s easier to maintain harmony in a marriage if you think twice when you first feel provoked instead of after a pitched fight.

How to Lessen the Risk of a Destructive Argument

Here’s a blueprint for avoiding an emotional meltdown when conflict erupts in your relationship:

First clarify that you fully understand what’s going on by asking non-judgmental questions. Try to listen for the meaning and intent behind your partner’s words and actions instead of just focusing on the words. For example, you might ask, “Did you really want to go to that party next week or did you just accept the invitation for us because you felt obligated to your friend?”
When it becomes evident that you and your partner disagree, ask yourself, “Would I rather be happy instead of being right in this case?” If you remember how much you value love and harmony in your relationship, you may decide to sometimes concede to your partner’s wishes, even if you would have taken a different approach.
If you find yourself feeling hot under the collar, first take ten deep breathes before you angrily respond to your mate. This will give you time to collect your thoughts and think of the big picture and how you want your relationship to be, not on how you’re feeling in that moment.
Finally, when you answer, look for common ground that you both agree on before stating your objection, using a softening statement. You might say, “Honey, I know that it’s important to both of us to have a social life, but I really have to do some work at home that’s going to make it difficult for me to go to that party.”
One of the keys to having a great marriage is to remember what you really value in your relationship and to think twice before you respond with anger to your mate.